Pigeon plot

I was sitting on a bench in Harrow earlier and I could hardly put my feet on the floor for all the pigeons. Seemingly millions of the disease and bug-ridden little parasites were scuttling around on their gnarly screwed up feet, pooing all over the nice paving stones and making me feel all itchy and gross.

I noticed them running towards a scattering of crumbs and thought about how everyone should be more careful about dropping food and encouraging this scourge. Then I looked up and saw that the crumbs weren’t carelessly dropped by someone who happened to be eating a sandwich or something nearby. No. An old woman was standing there deliberately feeding the pigeons.

Why?

It surely can't be because she cares about the birds. I mean, it must be pretty obvious just by looking at their aforementioned mangled toes and mangy feathers that encouraging them to live in town centres is not helping them. Not to mention the fact they’re driving other birds out. And everyone knows they carry diseases, don’t they?

Perhaps that’s why she was doing it. She hates everyone and wants us to get TB or something equally horrid off the pigeons.

That is like germ warfare.

Gosh, if I’d have known that old woman was doing germ warfare, I’d have tutted a bit louder - I don’t even think she heard me. Somebody really should try to thwart her evil plan.

Maybe I should write to the council and ask them to put up a sign.