Julia Buckley

It's not you, it's me

2008-01-23T10:15:00.000+01:00

It’s about time I posted something isn’t it? The thing is, I haven’t felt like blogging much lately. This has been going on for a few months now, which is weird because I used to love writing posts and blogged nearly every day. I haven’t been reading other people’s blogs either. Sorry. I guess I’ve just lost interest in the whole thing.

So I guess this is goodbye. For a while at least. If the urge returns, which I suspect it will, I’ll be back. Here or somewhere new. Who knows? Not me.

For now though, please do have a squiz at the archives. Here are some of the posts I most enjoyed writing.

Pigeon plot

Graphic Proposal

Allegory of allegories

Baby Jesus is force-feeding me beanburgers

Crumblies of today

Ooh ah kid knocky stay thin

Toilet art

Mad as a fish

If you’ve been a regular visitor, I really can’t thank you enough. It’s been ace. I’ve loved writing on here and seeing the stats rise, it’s done wonders for my confidence in my writing. Perhaps that’s why I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Maybe I’ve got what I came for. I don’t know. But it’s been massive fun, so ta.

I hope you’ll stay in touch, feel free to email or Facebook me. I am still alive. Honest. In fact my life has been enhanced somewhat lately with the advent of sugar-free Wether's Originals. Oh yeah, and I'm actually making progress with the novel. It's about time really. I guess when it's finished, that's when I'll be back.

Not Sure Alan

2007-11-22T15:54:00.000+01:00

Lovely Tracy has sent me a shopping list. She found it in a Sainsbury’s shopping trolley in Northwich, Cheshire and, as you can see, it is a real gem.

Tracy's favourite bit is the 'Fries to go' and I like the 'Deodorant Alan - not Sure'.

Ahh. Life is good.

Thanks Tracy.

Monday Mystery: Pet foods

2007-10-29T17:54:00.000+01:00

Why is it that people who eat meat, are often appalled at the idea of someone eating an animal they would think of as a pet, like a cat or dog? I mean, it’s widely accepted that a pig is as intelligent and emotional a creature as a dog, so what’s that about?

Having dinner in a restaurant with the boyf on Saturday night, I overheard the following snippet from the table opposite...

“Oh David’s going for the swordfish. You’ll eat anything won’t you David?”

“I suppose so [puffs chest out], I don’t have any food prejudices.”

Food prejudices. Great. So, eating a threatened species of fish is a virtue to this guy is it? I suppose I’d be like some kind of Nazi for thinking that’s best avoided am I? What with all my Food Prejudices and stuff.

And then he goes...

“When I went on a survival expedition we ate all kinds of things.”

And his friend says...

“What, so would you even eat cats and dogs?”

Am I missing something? Surely cats and dogs are not in trouble as species are they?

I dunno, it’s a Monday mystery to Buckley. What say you?

Ta-ra for a bit

2007-10-22T09:53:00.000+01:00

I'm off to visit my folks for a few days, and might not be able to post. Back by the weekend though.
Have a good week.
Jx

Thursday Furry Friend(s): Tiggy & Spike

2007-10-18T19:31:00.000+01:00

This week I have two Thursday Furry Friends. This is allowed because they both live in the same house. Tiggy and Spike are cats (in case you are too stupid to tell that from the pictures) and are the proud owners of the lovely Pink Jellybaby.

Aren't they gorge?

Tiggy is on the left and apparentely enjoys standing on his own foot and Spike does a mean impersonation of Batman.

Have you got a furry friend who might like to visit me next Thursday? If so, please drop me a line...

Turn around TV

2007-10-18T14:12:00.000+01:00

I have got into a bad habit. I usually have a cup of tea at about 10am and I have started watching the television while I drink it.

I can tell that watching TV at 10am is bad, and the Men-in-Black-Suits who control The Media do not want people to do it, by the programmes that are on at that time. Maybe that's part of the reason why I do it. My own little revolution - sticking it to The Man at 10am every morning over a nice cup of tea. Anyway...

It’s all kids’ shows with weird squeaking things running around that I actually find a bit creepy. Or, those tired house-buying programmes, which as about as helpful as those people who keeping going on about how much the value of their house has increased over the last five years (“ooh really? It’s gone up by 12 grand. Thanks for telling me that – do keep me posted”). Or, shows where people (who really should just agree to keep away from each other) come on stage and shout and cry while some haughty presenter tries to tell them to be nicer.

I have been watching the latter. I know, it’s really bad. Jeremy Kyle. The main thing I have noticed about this show is that, when the guests relay things that people have said to them, they always say that the person “turned around” before saying it.

It’s always “she turned around and called me a ferret chucker”, or “you turned around and told me to go suck a sausage”, or whatever.

Maybe if these people faced each other from time to time instead having to turn around and say stuff these misunderstandings might not happen and then they wouldn’t have to go on TV and get patronised by JK?

I really need to go back to listening to Radio 4. It wouldn’t happen on Woman’s Hour.

Tuesday Tea Party: TBWLT

2007-10-16T10:36:00.001+01:00

Ooh look, it's time for another Tuesday Tea Party already. How lovely. Today The Boy Who Likes To is coming over... And, would you believe it, here is that boy now...

Hello The Boy Who Likes To (*sharp inhale*) here is some tea for you. What is your favourite kind of tea?
The tea my friend Rob's tea company makes. Go facebook them. Shameless plug there.

Yes, it was a bit. Perhaps some cake will shut you up. What kind would you like?
I’d like a scone please. I like to think that I am plain and simple, but sometimes I like to go crazy and put jam on top. (I’d like to clarify I don’t actually put jam on my head).

That was nice, can I have another?

No. If you have too many you will be sick. I am not sure you've got the resolve for this tea and cake business...
Actually, I do. I once had birthday cake made for me that had Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles on. I never touched it for years, it sat in my room for what seemed like an eternity, to a kid. One day I was hungry and nibbled on his icing legs and arms. I never really felt any ill effects.

Oh alright then, have another scone.... I say, if you could insert a tea party into any event in history what would it be? Possibly at the meeting that Mr Starbucks had when he decided to open up all these coffee shops. I’d offer tea and on side comment about how bad of an idea it would be and how it wouldn’t work. Anything to get rid of all the coffee shops and the coffee culture. (A pet hate of mine is I hate being stuck being someone in a cafe, while they take ages to get served a simple drink.)

What a splendid idea. I think tea could solve most of the world's ills if employed correctly. Now tell me, The Boy Who Likes To (*sharp inhale*) what is your fondest tea-memory of all time ever in your whole life?
While walking in the Knoydart Mountain area of Scotland a groups of us got a little lost. There was a lot of rain, many soaked walkers, a few tears, many requests to call for mountain rescue to save our asses, a couple of arguments and a race against a sun set. The run across the loch bed at the end to a small hut in the middle of nowhere, were we would be staying for the night, was a great moment. A cup of tea while taking off our very heavy boots and changing out of our soaking clothes would have been fantastic. (We made do with getting very drunk.)

My goodness I feel quite worn out just thinking about that. I think I will have to go and take a little nap now. So, goodbye The Boy Who Likes To (*sharp inhale*) and thank you for coming to my tea party.

Thanks for having me. Bye

Monday Mystery: Itching

2007-10-15T18:10:00.000+01:00

Phew. I am very tired from my long run today. I did 16 miles, so after being quite rubbish last week, I am back on track for the Long Ducker. It took me close to three hours, so I had to time to ponder a lot of things, including this week's Monday Mystery, which is...

What is the point of itching?

I can think of no time when scratching the thing that itches is good idea. It always makes the itching thing worse. So why do we have itching? I'm not saying we should have something like pain instead, pain is not very nice, but how about some other kind of sensation that says, "Hey, healing in progress - do not touch"?

Itching is a Monday Mystery to me. What say you?

Saturday shopping list

2007-10-13T20:11:00.000+01:00

I found this list while I was packing my shopping away at Tesco earlier this very week. It was crumpled and is faint, so click on it to see the full sized image.

My favourite item is the Shrek Toothbrush. I do like it when people are specific, so if you wouldn't mind doing likewise on your own shopping lists, just in case I find them, I'd appreciate it.

Also, Kinder Eggs. Cool. I am quite envious of this week's shopper. They are getting chocolate and a surprise and a toy as well (except that the toy and the surprise are presumably the same thing - unless I've been missing something). What more could any rational human being want out of life? Nothing.

Thursday Furry Friend: Freya

2007-10-11T15:16:00.000+01:00

This week's Thursday Furry Friend is Freya, who Silver Tiger belongs to. You can read all about
her here.

Isn't she a bonny little thing?

Aw.

She's actually very slim - just not too fashion savvy. As I'm sure all you ladies will know, horizontal stripes add pounds.

Feel free to nominate next Thursday's Furry Friend in comments.

NaNoWriMo Brits Blogroll update

2007-10-11T09:38:00.000+01:00

Just a quick note to thank all the British NaNoWriMo-ers who've been in touch. The blogroll's looking really healthy already. Please do spread the word to other Brit participants.

If you'd like to add the blogroll to your own blog the code is:

(<)script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://rpc.blogrolling.com/ display.php?r=d1728f23405f6fc536ea16434082f2d1">
)

Just remove the ( ) brackets.

Hope that works.

Wednesday Pressie: A pub for a soldier

2007-10-10T16:20:00.000+01:00

Every Wednesday for until I get bored of it I am going to give a blog pressie to someone who I think is nice and deserves it. Today I am going to give a lovely British pub to Midnight who is a soldier stationed in Afghanistan, which can't be all that much fun if you ask me. His blog is definitely worth checking out for an insight into what daily life is like for the guys out there.

Here you go Midnight.

Sorry it's not a real one.

I hope this picture will make you smile and think of your local (rather than taunting you to distraction at the fact that you are thousands of miles away from your local pub - sorry).

Stay safe Midnight, it's clear from your blog comments that lots of us are thinking about you.

Tuesday Tea Party - Mr H

2007-10-09T16:37:00.000+01:00

Welcome to my first Tuesday afternoon tea party. Today’s guest will be Mr H from next door. (Click the left arrow on my British Bloggers link down the page to see what I mean.) I am sure he will not be as grumpy as he seems... Ah, here he is now.

Good afternoon Mr H, do come in to my tea party. How do you do?
Mr H: I do as well as can be expected, bearing in mind the array of obstacles that life throws in my face on a daily basis. But thanks for asking.

Excellent. How would you like your tea?
Mr H: Black, strong, no sugar, in a mug. Tea should be a battle of wills, not a dainty affectation that persuades the middle classes that they’re better than those of us bred for work.

Tea is ace isn’t it? What was the bestest tea you’ve ever had?
Mr H: Many (many) years ago, I had the displeasure of working on a building site at the Palacio de la Musica in Barcelona. Now you probably already know that furriners can’t do tea properly. And on a building site it is one of the absolute essentials for survival. Anyway, after 2 months of bone sapping drudgery in 110 degree heat, and no tea, we got our first three days off. So, naturally, we hijacked one of the site vans, and drove to Taragona where I knew a couple of blokes who worked on the docks. They got us on a boat going to Mostaganem in Algeria, where we got a lift to Oran, where we got another boat to Gibralter, had a proper cup of Typhoo tea, then did the journey in reverse, getting back to work twenty minutes late on the Wednesday.

Oh how lovely. And now you must have some cake. What sort of cake would you like?
Mr H: I used to be a carrot cake man, but then ‘the man’ started putting nuts into carrot cake. What the hell is that all about? A perfectly good bit of carrot cake ruined. So, I have transferred my allegiance to the banana cake, which has the good sense not to taste of banana in any way shape or form.

Smashing choice. Perhaps you would like to share your fondest cake memory with us?
Mr H: High tea in Hong Kong, back in the eighties, only 2 hours before I was removed from the country at gunpoint, on the first available flight to anywhere. Another long story involving an ex girlfriend and a very senior police officer, who turned out to be her father. A mistake I never made again. But the scones were fantastic, if astonishingly expensive.

If you could insert a tea party into any event in history what would it be?
Mr H: I have often wondered (out loud and in public) why more great civilisations throughout history didn’t stop for afternoon tiffin. After all, we managed to rule most of the world whilst stopping for tea and scones of an afternoon. And look what happened when we stopped. They didn’t call it an Empire Biscuit for nothing. How much more civilised would it be, if midway through any given battle, a loud bell rings out, everyone stops fighting, and a nice old lady wheels out a tea trolley, with a nice selection of cakes and scones? Both sides could then sit down for half an hour, have a chat about why they’re fighting, maybe exchange marmalade recipes and really get to know one another.

Yes, that would be lovely. I personally believe that everyone has done something in life to deserve a nice big slice of cake – what would that be for you Mr H?
Mr H: Well that depends on whether the cake is being handed to me on a plate, or thrust furiously into my face. If it’s the former, then I would point to the last five years, where I have voluntarily withdrawn myself from most forms of social interaction. Not having to meet me is one of the great joys of life, and people should be considerably more grateful than they are. Which is why it serves them right when they do meet me, and why compensation should never be payable.

OK then. Bye bye, thank you for coming to my tea party.
Mr H: You’re very welcome and, don’t worry, I won’t darken your door again. If I’ve learned one thing over the years, it’s leave before the machine gun toting policemen arrive.

Wasn't Mr H lovely? I think you will agree that my first tea party was straight out of the top drawer. And those were just the highlights, you many enjoy the unedited transcript of the full soiree here.

If you would like to come over for tea sometime soon let me know in comments and I'll pop the kettle on.

Monday Mystery

2007-10-08T15:57:00.001+01:00

Every Monday for until I get bored of it I will ponder an aspect of life or human behaviour that is a mystery to me. Today I am wondering...

Those 'Baby on Board' car stickers. Why?

Do people who buy these honestly think that other people are interested in the fact that they have reproduced? I mean, it's not really anything new is it?

Perhaps it because they are worried about some mentalist deliberately ramming into the back of their car? But of course upon realising that a cute ickle baby is On Board said nut-job will instead be inspired to turn his/her car around and head for the nearest psychiatrist and thus will begin his/her journey to sanity.

Or, maybe it is to reassure people that they are being all Green and cool by sharing their car with another person, it's just that person is very small, so you might not have noticed them without the sign.

Or, or, maybe they sometimes forget to take the baby with them after unpacking the boot and so have put a sign there to remind them?

It's a Monday mystery to me. What say you?

They're Back: Return of the ladybirds

2007-10-07T16:20:00.000+01:00

We are infested with ladybirds again.

I do not think ladybird is a very good name for them. Firstly, they are not birds. Secondly, I am no expert in what is and isn’t ladylike, but I have to say that showing up at someone’s house all unannounced and crawling all over the windows and ceilings is probably not what they teach at insect finishing school.

Actually, the boyf was saying that The Internet had told him the ladybirds in our house are a foreign variety, so that probably explains it.

I think I shall start calling them ladybugs, so that people who come over to our house will appreciate that they are from Abroad and do not understand about queuing and such.

How glamorous.

Saturday shopping list

2007-10-06T11:51:00.000+01:00

This is the first of my collection of other people's shopping lists that I have found. I expect this is probably the dullest idea for blog content that anyone has ever had. I like them though, so it's not impossible that someone else will. If you are that person, here you go...

I'm not sure whether I should say anything about these lists or just leave you to draw your own conclusions. I like to think about who the person might be and what they'll do with their purchases. This is probably very weird, so I don't recommend trying it unless you are already a bit strange...

I do think though, that if this person has to put 'fags' on their shopping list so they remember to buy them, then they are probably not very addicted and should give up. That way they will have more money to spend on women's sanitary products which are clearly a priority, making three seperate entries on the list .

This week Buckley loves...

2007-10-05T17:38:00.000+01:00

When I work on the BBC Slink site my favourite job is updating the Loves/Hates feature. So I have decided to rip it off and create my own every Friday. And, um, here it is...

I do realise that this looks crap. I can't seem to get html tables to work in blogger, so this is just a Word table pasted in. Um, I'd really appreciate a bit of help here...

But anyway, what do you love and hate this week? Tell me in comments and I may start loving and hating that stuff too and then I'll include it in next week's post. Imagine your joy if that was to happen. Just imagine it.

Coming soon to Buckley's Blog

2007-10-05T16:09:00.000+01:00

What do you think of the new look? I’ll probably replace the banner. I’m a bit worried it looks a bit teenage. It’s a collage of things that I like or talk/write about. So maybe I should be worried that I am actually a bit teenage...? Nah, whatever.

I have decided to run regular weekly features/topics each day. These will be:

Monday Mystery
This will be where I talk about a question that has been bothering me, in a similar vein to this earlier post.

Tuesday Tea Party
Each week I will invite someone over to my blog for tea. This will be a bit like a short interview. Only I am pretending it is a tea party to make it seem more fun.

Wednesday Pressie
I have decided to indulge in the joy of giving every Wednesday by offering someone a gift. It will not be a real gift, but most probably a photograph which I have lifted from the web. But it is the thought that counts.

Thursday Furry Friend
Animal of the week. They don’t have to be furry, I’m only calling it this because furry rhymes with Thursday, a bit.

Friday: Buckley Loves...
I have got bored of making lame rhyming titles today. I will post one of these features today, so you’ll see what it is in a bit.

Saturday & Sunday Shopping List or Weekend Top Five
I've got a weird habit of picking up other people's old shopping lists. I will reproduce some of them here for your fascination. Or if I can't find any it will be random lists of stuff made by my brain.

This weekly itinerary will continue for as long as it is fun for me. I may even do some in Vlog form. But that is unlikely to happen until after I have bought a webcam and learned how to use it.

It’d be nice to include some posts from guest bloggers sometimes too, so do get in touch if you fancy writing a few lines. I will of course be looking for guests to come to my Tuesday tea party too – let me know if you’re up for it and I’ll email you some questions.

I will still be posting my usual ramblings as well, but having this structure might help me to post on days when I wouldn’t otherwise have time to think something up. I don't suppose I'll do all of them every week. I am quite flaky, if you can believe such a thing.

I hope you’ll like the new style Buckley Blog and do please let me know what you think.

Julia
x

NaNoWriMo - here I go again!

2007-10-04T15:56:00.000+01:00

So I've signed up to NaNoWriMo 2007.

Um, not sure else to say about it really...

Oh yeah, I am starting a whole new novel and this time I am not going to tell anyone what it's about, not yet anyway.

So, ha!

I am enjoying this already. It is like having having a cheeky secret. Because, obviously, everyone would be enthralled if they knew how cool my idea is. Also, this will hopefully avoid people giving me their really really really really helpful suggestions of what to put in it.

If you're undecided about whether to sign up to NaNoWriMo, I can definitely recommend it, I got loads out of it last year. Just search this blog for NaNoWriMo to read my (breathless) posts about it.

I am going to compile a blogroll of NaNoWriMo participants from the UK. I think a bit of camaraderie among us Brits could be fun and I found it really helpful and encouraging to follow other NaNo-ers' blogs last year. So if you're a British blogger who's doing NaNo, please drop me a comment and I'll include you on the list.

My NaNo profile is: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/174708 - feel free to buddy me, or whatever the cool kids call it.

P.S.
I've just set up a NaNoWriMo Brits Faceboook group.

Hope some people will join!

Starting fresh

2007-10-03T15:10:00.000+01:00

OK, so I’ve been having a think and I’ve decided that I’m going to shelve my current novel and write the first draft of a new one during NaNoWriMo in November. I had a lot of fun completing last year's NaNo, so I'm really looking forward to doing it again.

And that’s not all. I am going to revamp and relaunch my blog. I have been thinking of bringing in regular weekly/monthly features/topics for a while and now seems a good time to get started. I’d really like to get a new look to go with it. I’m thinking I’ll get a new blog skin and customise it a bit to include a couple of my own pictures and an index for the regular features. Tips/advice on this will be much appreciated.

And even that is not all. I’ve been saying I’m going to organise a London blogmeet, for months now, and that would seem a good way for me to celebrate my new blog (because obviously it will be all about me), so I’ll suggest a time and place that we could meet (sometime before Crimbo) when I relaunch.

Exciting, exciting, exciting. Well it is for me anyway. Some of this might be a bit dull for you I suppose. So here is a little writers' joke for you as a reward for reading all my self-indulgent ramblings...

A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.

“What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is...”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

Unwriterly

2007-10-02T16:15:00.000+01:00

Several people have asked me how my novel is coming along lately. I have responded by mumbling something about being busy and quickly changing the subject. As opaque as this deft ruse surely is, I feel the need to come clean. It was true that I was very busy a few weeks ago, but I do have time to work on my novel now. And I'd like to work on my novel. But I'm not. I think it's just...

I'm kind of not feeling very writerly lately.

I don't know why.

What can it mean?

Am I all dried out already? Should I go and apply for a job as an estate agent? Or is there a way I could rekindle my creativity?

I could really do with a bit of help here. Any ideas?

Hot and cold

2007-10-02T11:26:00.000+01:00

It has come to my attention that my house has become warmer lately. I mentioned this to the boyf and he seems convinced that this is because “the heating is on”.

But I'm not sure how this can be the case because I have also noticed that it has become very cold outside.

Just a few weeks ago it was warm outside, and now it is decidedly chilly. This is really quite uncanny if you ask me. I mean, who could’ve predicted such a thing?

It seems to me that this climate change thing may not be an elaborate scheme orchestrated by sunscreen manufacturers and milliners after all.

I have considered writing to the papers about this, but I’m sure that no British newspaper would ever print anything about so boring a subject as the weather. Especially not the Express.

Queen of the road

2007-09-26T19:48:00.000+01:00

When you are training for a long distance run you have to do one long run each week and my long run for this week is tomorrow. It will be 12 miles. If I make it, it will be the farthest I have ever run.

I have found that the best way to get through a long run is to think about other stuff while you are running. But I am a bit worried that 12 miles is such a long way that, if I do not die, might run out of things to think about.

My usual things to think about while running are:

What it would be like to be a rock star performing whatever song is playing on my iPod
How cool it is that I am not working-for-the-man and am able to go for a run during the day
What it will be like when I am a rich and famous novelist
Plans for things that I am going to write. One day. Definitely.

That’s about it really. Sometimes I start thinking about boring stuff, like what I need from the supermarket, or things I should’ve said to people but didn’t, but that doesn’t work very well and makes me remember that I am running and that it is very (possibly too) hard.

I am trying to think of some more things that I could think about – but where do you go with your grandiose fantasies after rich and famous novelist and rock star?

I could try thinking about being the Queen I suppose, but I think being the queen looks a bit dull to be honest. All she does is sit in a big chair all day.

I mean, I am a writer, that would be much too boring for me...

Hiding and running

2007-09-25T09:57:00.000+01:00

I have been hiding. I was waiting to hear about a job that I was really excited about and didn’t want to tell people about it in case it didn’t work out. But the only way I could not tell people about it was by not speaking at all, so that is why I was hiding. The job isn’t happening now though, the part of the project I would’ve been working on got cancelled, so I suppose I had better stop hiding as it is not the most healthy of activities.

As well as hiding, I have been running. I am hoping to do a long distance run in a few weeks...

I’m normally pretty coy about where I live, but I think anyone who’s interested has probably worked out by now that I’m among the grounds of Harrow School, where the boyf works. So I might as well just own up to it because it will make explaining the run sitch a lot easier and that is probably the main thing I will be boring you about over the next few weeks.

This is because the run is organised by the school and most of the runners are schoolboys, although some teachers and other people connected with the school join in, like lovely me. It is called the Long Ducker and is from Harrow-on-the-Hill to Marble Arch and back – 20.8 miles. That is a very long way to run. And there is a big hill at the end, which is not really what you want after running nearly 20 miles.

I have been out training with most of the people who are running the course for the last couple of Sundays. I am by far the most rubbish person who is doing it. I know it’s probably not all that helpful for a 30-year-old woman training for her first run to compare herself to a group of 18-year-old sporto boys (and the handful of adults who are all experienced long-distance runners), but when that’s who you’re running with (or rather behind) it’s kind of hard not to.

Being crap has never stopped me from doing anything before though, so I’ll stick with the training and see how it feels in a couple of weeks. There is the option of only doing the second half of the course, but I fear that won’t give me the level of smugness that I crave.

Besides I like very long runs – especially when they are taken by people who I do not like. Ha ha. My wit is almost a quick as my feet.

Maaaad as a fish

2007-09-05T16:39:00.000+01:00

Facebook. I love it. And yet I hate it.

Recently I’ve been getting in touch with a few old friends through it, which is of course a heart-warming story of the way the lovely internet can bring people together. But it has totally worsened my already disproportional obsession with checking my emails, which is a soul-chilling tale of the way the evil internet can make people go maaaad.

OK, so I’m probably not actually clinically maaaad, but I do have a thing about checking my emails....

I just did it then. (When those dots were appearing, which is what happens when I go off and do something.)

I am now the recipient of a press release which is of no interest whatsoever to me. These, and spam, are what generally comprise the majority of my emails.

And yet I cannot control the urges.

I read once that the most effective way to train dolphins to jump through hoops and perform other perfectly natural behaviours (which the dolphins enjoy, honest, even though you have to give them fish to make them do it) is to not give them a fish every time they jump through the hoop. No, because then the greedy dolph will expect to get fish each time and might even get full and that would be bad because then it probably wouldn’t do it again for a bit. No, what you have to do is give them a fish at random intervals, so dolph doesn’t know when it’s coming and will keep trying in the hope that dinner’s on the way.

Um, I’m afraid I’ve rambled on so much that I have totally forgotten the point I was trying to make there now. Something about interesting/friendly emails arriving now and then, or something.

Not sure what that had to do with dolphins though. I’ve never had an email from a dolphin. Not that I am aware of. If any dolphins out there want to email me please do. I’d send you a fish as a reward if I had one. But I don’t. So don’t keep emailing me expecting me to cough up a fish after a random amount of tries. Because I won’t, and anyway, that would not be at all good for my email checking obsession. I think if I start obsessively checking my emails for messages from dolphins I may actually become actually clinically maaaad.

And then who would check my emails?

The day I woke up to a nightmare

2007-09-03T13:52:00.000+01:00

I had a bit of a false start yesterday morning. I thought I’d pulled a blinder by getting up early, but realised this was not the case when I woke up on the settee several hours later to find I had dropped off again. I don’t know about you, but I find that whenever I wake up on the settee something really weird is always on the TV. Yesterday it was (the somewhat insensitively named if you ask me) Art Attack.

Art Attack is not about people who drop their Hs dying of myocardial infarction, it is a children's show about making stuff. I’d forgotten about those. They are the meanest programmes of all. Watching it yesterday, as an adult, it was very obvious that no kid was going to be able to produce anything approaching the same standard of the stuff that the presenter, Neil Buchanan, was churning out like it was the easiest thing ever.

But, as a child I remember not being so wise. I would certainly have been taken by the creepily softly spoken scouser’s claims that I could make dancing rock band puppets out of straws and string and paper and a coat hanger that would look as good as the one on yesterday's show, that his team of researchers had spent hours crafting.

I thought of all the kids that would have a go at making their own, surely to be disappointed when their’s finished up looking like some hideous pastiche of what they had seen on the TV. I felt their pain.

It’s just not fair is it?

And, what does Trickster Buchanan have to say for himself? According to the Art attack website:

"Did you know that my red sweater is specially made for the programme, from a special material? That's because on camera, the colour red behaves in a strange way. It makes the screen go all funny, unless you use a special material - which we do.

If you'd like a signed photograph of Neil to print, click here.”

I did not know that. But a signed photograph? To print? How is that going to work?

The duplicity is just staggering.

Low supplies

2007-08-30T17:52:00.000+01:00

Phew, the last few days have been insanity gone mad. I've written two articles for Closer magazine and it's been a whirlwind of interviewing and typing.

I didn't finish working till quite late last night, so I was looking forward to a lovely glass of red and some snackettes.

Imagine my horror when I arrived in my kitchen to discover that not only was there no red wine, but we were also completely out of olives and cheeses.

I'm not joking it, was like living in Ethiopia or something. (Before Bob Geldolf and his saintly mates turned it into a plentiful garden of course.)

As a result, me and the boyf, like a couple of vagrants, were forced to drink 15 year old single malt whisky accompanied by salty peanuts from the rip-off shop.

This led to the consumption of rather more alcohol than was planned and so today has been somewhat challenging.

But I got through it and I hope you are as proud of my ability to cope with adversity as I am.

P.S. Norks.

Bum, boobs, scrotum

2007-08-28T09:40:00.000+01:00

Ooh my poor neglected blog, what a big rubbish I have been.

To be honest, my blogging break was somewhat involuntary because my old internet connection, which used to be through the boyfs work network, suddenly started blocking blogger.

I’m hooked up with my own broadband now though. Which means, for me, the cyberspace just got bigger. The filters on that old connection blocked out the most innocuous of pages, including some of my most favourite blogs, so it’s all very exciting to actually be able to look at the whole internet.

I shall now be even able to look at the words for all kinds of body parts, including bum and boobs and even scrotum. Who knows what kind of corruption I am about to suffer.

Toilet art

2007-08-03T16:16:00.000+01:00

I went to Tate Modern the other day. Tate Modern is the funniest place in all of London. It’s full of people who stand around starring at miscellaneous objects trying to look cool and arty and clever.

My favourite thing was a yellow toilet. It was a yellow toilet. You’ve got to hand it to these artists, haven’t you? A toilet. That is yellow. Only a true genius could envisage such a world. Nice one arto.

All the Cool-Arty-Clevers (CACs) were standing around contemplating it. They did this for a very long time.

It must be ace being one of those Modern artos - whatever you put in Tate Modern, the CACs will come in and stare at it for ages. No wonder the artos chose stuff like big poos and yellow bogs. That’s what I would do too. Just think what a laugh they must have coming up with hilarious stuff for the CACs to come gawp at.

I am not a Tate artist, so am probably not very good at this, but I think I would put some cat sick or some smoker’s phlegm in there. Not as good as the yellow toilet, I know, but not bad for first try, I reckon.

What would your Tate Modern exhibit be?

The new me

2007-07-22T16:47:00.001+01:00

I refuse to do anything remotely productive today as I am suffering badly cough, which I think may well be the end of me.

Still, I am being very brave about it and have even managed to muster some excitement over the fact that I now have Adobe Photoshop on my home computer.

Earlier I made a logo for the world's coolest band, Connect 4:: Rock or Die...

As you can see it is very cool. This has enabled me to set up a Facebook group in its honour, which if you are not totally rubbish you will sign up to here. Myspace page coming soon too.

And this afternoon I have been trying to make a new avatar for my blog. The current one is over five years old and I'm beginning to feel like I need an update Now Me version. Here's what I've come up with so far.

The first is the old one, which was done by a proper designer. The new one is obviously based on it. Not the same quality as the old one I know, but not bad for a novice if I do say so myself. What do you reckon? I'm thinking it's OK, but maybe not quite there yet.

Note that in the last five years I have been working on my guns and have also become more rock.

Rock fingers

2007-07-18T14:13:00.000+01:00

Haven’t had much to say for myself since I came back from the seaside. Somehow everything at home always seems really boring after holidays. Think I’m coming out of it now though.

Thanks for all the comments wishing me a good time. I went to Robin Hood's Bay near Whitby and it was very lovely. A highlight being folk night in a local pub. The main act was a couple of jolly bearded chaps who sang funny songs with a banjo accompaniment. Rock on.

I took my guitar away with me and did lots of practising (as it was quite rainy), so now I am even more rock. My left hand is especially rock. There are ugly pads of hard skin on the end of each finger.

They’re quite useful though – I just turned some sausages over that I was grilling without the need for an implement. So if it doesn’t work out for me as rock star/writer/spy I could always get a job as a sausage turner.

Look out for my article in this month’s Cosmopolitan magazine, won’t you? It is about 'surrogate partners' and is "quite racey", as my mum commented yesterday after reading it, which was a bit embarrassing.

On tour

2007-07-07T17:59:00.000+01:00

I'm off to the seaside for a week. Back Sunday 15th July.

Have a stonking week.

Julia
x

Silver Surfer is not a Teletubby

2007-07-07T15:57:00.000+01:00

I went to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer last night. I enjoyed the first F4 film and Silver Surfer is one of my most favourite marvel characters. And I saw from the trailers how cool the effects were going to be, so I was really looking forward to it.

I would not have been looking forward to it however, had I known that it was going to be so unrealistic.

For starters, the defining characteristics of Silver Surfer are:

1. He is depressed usually either because he misses his girlfriend, Shala Bal, or because he is misunderstood by the people of the world (this is a problem which afflicts all superheroes, regardless of how many times they save the human race).

2. He is nails. And he knows it. This is the coolest thing about him. While other superheroes get really worried about fighting baddies and play the underdog, SS is usually more concerned about being seen as a bully after crushing them.

In the film, they got the depressed bit OK. I would've liked a little bit more pensiveness, but it was supposed to be about the Fantastic Four mainly, so I will let them off with that. What I cannot forgive though, is insinuation that Silver Surfer's power all comes from his surfboard and that without it he is nothing. This is simply not true, and I for one am rather offended by it.

Also, he is a superhero and not a Teletubby, so he does not play movies on his stomach as a quick and easy way of conveying his backstory to other characters.

And another thing....

Here is a picture of what the Invisible Woman looks like in real life. >>>

Note the fact that she is ripped. This is because she is a superhero.

<<< Here is a picture of Jessica Alba who plays the Invisible Woman in the movie.

Cute? Yes.

Ripped? No.

I don't want to make a big deal about her body shape, whether or not she fails to lunch is her own affair, but I can't help but find it hard to believe in a superhero who looks like she'd have difficulty opening a heavy door.

The wedding thing was all a bit sloppy too. Did you know that the Invisible Woman was thinking of marrying the Invisible Man before she met Mr Fantastic? Apparently, she decided against it because their kids would be nothing to look at.

Boom boom! Shwack! Take that.

Tin pot everything

2007-07-04T17:16:00.000+01:00

I don't know about you, but I am getting sick of hearing that things do, or are, "exactly what it says on the tin".

What tin?

Most of the time the people who say this are talking about something which has no tin component whatsoever.

I wonder perhaps if there is a magical tin somewhere which is covered in exact explanations of everything in the world ever. Like wikipedia. Only a tin.

Or maybe, the world has gone cliche-mad and the perfectly good term, 'self-explanatory', has been replaced by a slogan from an advert for fence paint.

I am not sure which is the more plausible explanation.

More on my heavenly nephew

2007-07-03T20:51:00.000+01:00

I’m back in my study now. I hope that the cows will be OK now that I’m not there to keep an eye on them. I don’t suppose they’ll know the difference though. They’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be just an udder day. Ha ha ha. I am very funny indeed.

I quite enjoyed the christening, which considering I don’t much like babies and am an atheist, is pretty good going. The church organist was on holiday. Which is the first persuasive evidence of the existence of a god I have yet to encounter. They just had a bit of music played on a stereo.

If I’d known this I would’ve helped out by brining along a couple of CDs. My favourite band at the moment is AC/DC. But I do not think this would have been appropriate for a christening. I think something like Yackety Sax, the Benny Hill theme, would have worked well though, and might’ve helped speed things along a little.

It didn’t go on for too long though and there was only a couple of kids running around screaming. Definitely one of the better Christenings I’ve been to. And afterwards there was cake. All different kinds of cake. Cake.

And my nephew was a good baby and hardly cried at all. Just like the baby Jesus. Aw.

Except that my nephew won’t threaten to burn me in hell for all eternity if I do not worship him enough or celebrate his birthday in the correct way when he grows up.

Hopefully not anyway. But, thinking about it, the way most other women were clucking around him, he might have pretty high expectations.

I am giving love in a family dose (although I only have brothers)

2007-07-02T19:34:00.000+01:00

I'm writing this on pad in the conservatory at my parents' place. Actually, if you're reading this then I must have typed it up on the computer as well, unless my baby nephew has been over and used his super-human powers to some transpose it onto the web. I have no doubt he would be capable of this.

I went to my baby nephew's christening yesterday. Before the christening I just thought he was a nice baby. At the christening (and the after-party) though I heard that he is also "beautful", "wonderful", "amazing", "perfect", "an angel", "obviously very clever" and "super". Crumbs. This is all before he can even walk, speak, or wipe his own bum. He is clearly some kind of superbeing.

I have now decided to stop worrying about climate change, world hunger, and terrorism, because no doubt my nephew will sort it all out for us when he gets a bit older. Which is cool. So I am now highly chillaxed.

My parents moved just over the Staffordshire border into Cheshire a couple of years ago, and where they live now is really quite rural and very lovely. I am looking out over a couple of very nice fields, which have cows in them that are reassuringly similar to the ones I had in my farm set when I was a kid. I don't think thhese ones are plastic though and they are also rather bigger, but apart from that... Uncanny.

facebook

2007-06-30T15:16:00.000+01:00

After saying for ages that I wasn't into all that social networking nonsense, I've finally cracked and set up a profile on Facebook. And now I am a bit obsessed with it and think that Facebook might be the best thing ever. Feel free to pop over and say hello to me if you're on there.

I'm here.

Who is Beefy Dobson?

2007-06-30T15:09:00.000+01:00

Ahh. That's better. All my contracts have now finished, so I can go back to procrastinating about writing my novel and generally only doing things when I feel like it. Well mostly. I don’t know about you, but I find that sometimes I have to do things I don’t feel like doing even though no one is paying me. I don’t mean like when you wake up in the night and need to go to the toilet but don’t want to because you are comfy and warm and, even though you don’t normally believe in ghosties, you are slightly concerned that Ghoulies might be in the toilet. Ghoulies are scary green things that come get you out of the toilet. Not to be confused with the Groovie Goolies who are monsters that play in a band and have exciting adventures with hilarious consequences.

If the Groovie Goolies were in the toilet it would be cool and I would be straight down there. Although I might not be able to wee if they were watching. So maybe it would still be bad after all. But anyway, that is not the kind of thing to which I refer. I mean like tidying up, for example, which is an activity I am unhappily engaged in at the moment.

Tidying up is one of the few things that you really have to do yourself. Anyone who lived with their parents as a youth will know that other people put things in the wrong places and throw away important items, such as wrappers from a chewing gum given to you by a boy who you have been in love with for two weeks who you previously didn’t think was aware of your existence. Etc.

My study has been even more neglected than my blog over the past few weeks. It is currently in a condition which my mum would have described as “like a bomb site”. Although I suspect that a bomb going off in a room would probably do more than remove things from shelves and drawers and leave them in state of disarray. I think she just using hyperbole though. My mum is a master of spin.

I suppose I’d better get on with the tidying. I have just found a piece of paper with the name Beefy Dobson scrawled on it in my own handwriting. I have no idea who this is or when I wrote it. I think I might just bin it though. Beefy Dobson sounds like a bully’s name to me and, being someone who is too scared to go to the toilet at night in case either Ghoulies or the Groovie Goolies are in there, I don’t think they would make a very good friend for me.

Good Lords

2007-06-25T11:38:00.000+01:00

I went to Lords on Saturday. The posh schoolboys my boyf teaches were playing cricket against some other posh schoolboys. I don’t have a clue how cricket works, but I hadn’t been to Lords before, so I thought I’d go along for a look. One of the reasons that I hadn’t been to Lords before is that they didn’t allow women to go into the bar until a couple of years ago. I don’t know why. Maybe they all used to get naked in there or something.

I kind of found myself wishing this rule had not been revoked on the following morning. I had one of the worst hangovers I can remember.

I suspect I may have got a bit incoherent by the end of the day. I have a vague recollection of starting a sentence by repeating the words “oh my god” several times and then finding I’d completely forgotten what I was going to say. Hopefully everyone will have assumed that I was just having a spiritual awakening or something.

I think the posh dads who kept handing me champagne were mostly to blame.

From what I can remember, I think it was a good day. Met some very interesting people. The posh are really quite funny. I’m growing to be rather fond of them.

Anyway, best dash. I have such a long list of things to get done today. Some of them are boring like writing invoices and stuff. Other items are quite exciting, like I’ve decided to finally crack and make myself a Myspace page. (I have decided that I need to get more web 2.0 - probably something to do with hanging out with all these trendy media types.)

*Update*
As promised, here is a cheeky smiley photo to prove that I'm feeling better about my baldy boy's hair-do and to show how grateful I am for all the lovely comments...

Sorry it's not very glam, it's my first day off in ages and I'm afraid I can't be bothered to put any make up on.

New do: Drastic or Fantastic?

2007-06-20T17:27:00.000+01:00

Sorry to not post for ages and then show up expecting you to care. It's just that I'm working from home and the boyf's out and, the thing is, I just got back from having all my locks removed.

When a lady gets a new hair do she requires opinions on it ASAP - so what do you reckon? Is it OK, or should I wear a paper bag into the office tomoz?

Check my worried expression - I've always got my feelings written all over my face. This could possibly pose a problem when I become a spy...

But anyway my more immediate concern is - please tell me I don't look like a young boy!

(Sorry about the quality, my camera is really old and it's through a mirror.)

My top 10 recent experiences

2007-06-11T17:10:00.000+01:00

Lots of cool things have happened in Buckley world while I have been away from my blog. If I was wise and frugal I would probably save each one for a separate post so I’ve got stuff to write about when I return to my hermitage.

Forget that though, here’s the top ten in reverse order of coolness…

10. Having my first article accepted by Cosmopolitan
It’s going in the August ish, huzzah!

9. Working on The Clothes Show website
See previous post...

8. Chocolate Geobars
I discovered these a couple of weeks ago. I’m currently on about 5 a day. Yumbo.

7. Discovering Alice Cooper’s radio show on Planet Rock
Did you know that Alice plays golf off 6? He might well be my ideal man.

6. Connect 4
Whilst working for the BBC, I have made it my business to teach said broadcaster’s staff a thing or two about Connecting the Fours. Slink Trev blogged about my glorious victory here.

5. cÖnnect 4:: rÖck or Die
This is what the band me and some friends have decided to set up will be called. Like all the best and most serious bands, we have spent ages deciding on a cool name (inspired by the above) before actually learning to play instruments.

4. Shredding (well, trying to)
I’m so excited about CÖnnect 4:: RÖck or Die that I have started learning guitar again. I can’t believe how long I have been putting it off. Learning guitar is the most fun ever. But it does hurt one’s hand.

3. Getting IDed
I got asked for ID in a pub the other day because, the barmaid said, “it’s over 21s only”. Result.

2. Games Expo
I know not everyone thinks that board games are cool. But, without wanting to put too fine a point on it, those people are wrong. So very wrong. I went to the UK Games Expo in Brum the other week. There were lots of board games there, therefore it was very cool. But the coolest thing about it was all these guys running around in storm trouper outfits. I’m not talking homemade here, these were the real deal. And they had those voice changer things too, which sounded quite disturbing when one of them was giving us advice on whether to buy the Thurn and Taxis game. There was also a Princess Leia in Full Metal Bikini, who appeared to be very much enjoying the copious amount of male attention she was getting. And why not? ...Because they were spotty whiffy gamer boys is why not for me. But, y’know, whatever floats your boat.

1. Stumbling into Mindwarp
Me and the boyf walked into the Fopp record shop on Tottenham Court Road, just for a browse, and heard a band start playing in the bar… Imagine our delight when it turned out to be Zodiac Mindwarp! And that’s not where the coolness ends. We knew the lead guitarist’s solo was going to be serious when he took his hat off to enable full freedom of rocking out, but no one could’ve predicted that he would jump down from the stage and proceed to grind his axe behind his head as he walked through the crowd, before doing a short tour of the DVD section, and finishing with some windmill strumming on the stairs as he re-entered the bar.

THIS WAS THE #1 COOLEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. EVER.

Jailbreak

2007-06-11T12:07:00.000+01:00

Wohoo! It’s my first full day off from working for The Man in three weeks. I’ve got a couple more weeks of work-a-thon and then things should start quieting down and I’ll stop neglecting my lovely blog. Here are some of the things I’ve been churning out:

UKTV:
The Clothes Show
I wrote, or edited, all of the web content for episodes 5 & 6. I used to watch The Clothes Show when I was a kid in the eighties and thought it was sooo cool. So it’s nice to be working on it now. Disappointed they stopped using the Pet Shop Boys theme music though.

BBC Slink:
True teen tales are nice to work on because I get to write longer pieces, although I have to get them out pretty quick, so they’re not exactly well crafted. I like to think these features do some good because they raise awareness of certain issues and the site gets a lot of good feedback from girls who’re glad to discover they’re “not alone”. I do find them a bit emotionally draining to produce though, because they’re first person and you have to put yourself in the mind of the narrator to write them…

I tried to kill myself

I took the bullies and won

Online dating messed up my mum

I was a bully

Your say, is a page where a different talking point is introduced each week, which visitors are invited to discuss. I love writing these because it’s really popular and comments come in almost immediately. Here are my most recent ones:

Posh talk for the catwalk

BB8 – love or hate?

Do you feel sorry for Paris Hilton?

Features tend to have a lot of user input at Slink, which I think works really well for teen audience. I put these together:

Your first snog

Spook infested schools

Also, I finally finished writing my feature for Cosmopolitan a couple of weeks ago, look out for it in the August issue!

Guns N Oatcakes

2007-05-28T17:41:00.000+01:00

All that stuff in yesterday's post about Slash's Stokie roots got me thinking about a brilliant covers band that I saw a couple of times, back in the day.

I just Googled them and it seems Guns N Oatcakes are still going strong. I'd love to see them again as they rocked. But their next gig is in North Yorkshire and is bikers only. How rock is that? Very.

Oatcakes, by the way, are pancake-like potteries delicacy. If you haven't had a sausage rolled up in one of these babies you've never had a sausage. They are also nice with "chayes".

Ooh, ah kid knocky stay thin

2007-05-27T14:40:00.000+01:00

Just back from a rather damp trip to Harrow town centre.

It started off pleasantly enough - bit of snackage and cup of tea in Tony’s Caff, followed by a stroll around the bookshop. But then we had to walk past HMV on the way home. Boyf, it seems, is afflicted with some kind of condition that makes this physically impossible. So, as always, we ended up going into HMV.

Wandering over to the books section, my interest was piqued by the following title - Slash: Surviving Guns N' Roses, Velvet Revolver and Rock's Snake Pit.

Slash grew up in the place where most of the best people come from and that is Stoke-on-Trent, from whence I also hail.

‘Cool,’ I thought, ‘I wonder what it says about when he was a kid in Stoke…’

But what the author, Paul Stenning, had written was not cool. At all. He started by saying that Slash was born in Hampstead in London, but soon after his parents,

“inexplicably moved to Stoke”.

Then went to say that when Slash was about 11 the family moved to California, which was,

“A world away from the old, dank streets of working class Stoke.”

And then, as if he hadn’t been rude enough about my proud, unique, and highly-creative home city, he said Slash had some difficulties fitting in at school in Calfornia because,

“As anyone who has come across a Stoke native knows, that particular vernacular of speech is very distinctive, often grating and perhaps the hardest of accents to shake off.”

Blimey. What a tosser.

Aside from the wrongness of what he said about Stoke, you would expect a rock biographer to know that strong accents are an essential element to being a proper rock star. Think about it - The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Jam, Black Sabb - what would they be without their accents?

I’ll tell you what they’d be. They'd be McFly.

Paul Stenning would be happier if all rock stars shook off their awful working class accents and became posho members of McFly.

Paul Stenning. More like Paul Stinking I say. And if I ever meet him I shall tell him that, along with many other clever and witty put downs.

Grrr.

(Extra Potteries-points if you can understand the title...)

No sleep "Tull" Acoustic

2007-05-26T17:20:00.000+01:00

The other day I booked tickets for me and my boyf to go to what is probably the least cool music festival happening in the UK this summer. I don’t care about cool though, I think it will rock.

It is the Acoustic “Unplugged” Festival.

To be honest, I think the ‘“Unplugged”’ bit is a bit superfluous. I mean, I’m not a professor of music or anything, but I do not think that acoustic instruments actually come with plugs, so you couldn’t actually plug them in if you wanted to. Therefore, surely it would be impossible for them to be unplugged… Actually though, maybe “Unplugged” is in the title to reassure us that the instruments will be free from blockages? I for one will sleep better knowing that.

Anyway the headline act is Jethro Tull. No, not the inventor of the seed drill, you fool, the flute-rocking band of course! Ha. (I haven’t lost the Buckley wit as you can see.)

It’s in Nantwich, Cheshire, on 28th & 29th July and tickets are £55 for the weekend if you fancy it. Give me a shout if you’re going.

Clacton in a caravan

2007-05-23T20:53:00.000+01:00

Sharing a caravan in Clacton-on-Sea with five other people is not my usual kind of holiday. But that is what I did last weekend. It was a special fitness weekend at a holiday camp.

It was one of those things where you wouldn’t go again, but you’re glad of the experience, know what I mean?

Sharing with so many people was kind of hard for me, being used to spending most of my days working alone from home. But I managed to find time to myself here and there.

One day I took a walk down to the beach. It was virtually deserted. Bliss.

There were some lovely shells along the sand. I thought about selling them on the beach. But I decided the seashore is probably the number one most stupidest place to sell seashells that anyone could ever think of. The girl in that rhyme is probably on the dole now.

The onsite nightclub was appropriate to the fact that we were in the countryside, as it could only be described as a cattle market.

Saturday night was a doctors and nurses themed fancy dress night. I had no idea that the NHS was a consumer of so much PVC. I just wore a white lab coat over my normal clothes, but it did make me feel strangely authoritative. I think I shall save it to put on whenever anyone disagrees with me.

Anyway, better get back to catching up on my emails. More news on Buckley’s Clacton Adventure coming soon.

Apologies again about my crapness lately, I’m working six days a week at the moment, so I’m afraid the blog will probably be neglected for a while longer.

Busy, busy, busy Buckley

2007-05-21T18:36:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, here I go rudely rushing through again with no time to stop and chat. It's really rubbish because for once I have lots of actual real things to talk about, rather than just what I can see out of my study, but I don't have time to tell you them.

I promise to give you a proper update very soon. In the meantime I thought I'd just post a few links to show you the kind of things I've been up to.

This is all for teen girls, btw.

Spooky schools - 100% true tales of school ghosts.

"Online dating messed up my mum" - I'm sure you'll agree, this wasn't really The Internet's fault...

"I slept with my friend's husband" - bit of a lesson learned here I reckon.

"My dad had sex with my best friend" - sounds like a lovely chap.

Soz

2007-05-18T12:34:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie to let you know I'm OK and to apologise for the appauling lack of updates. Thanks for the comments nagging me to post - it's lovely to be missed!

I've got to dash because I'm going away to a fitness camp for the weekend, so no posts again till monday I'm afraid. Sorry, everything's disturbingly hectic in Buckley-World at the mo.

Missing you all.

Jx

Hold on a min...

2007-05-11T09:44:00.000+01:00

I discovered this amazing thing on my phone at home the other day. There’s this button on it that you can press to put people on hold, and it plays a little melody to delight them while they’re waiting.

It goes like this *ahe-ahem* (that was just me clearing my throat by the way – in case you were worried your flies might be undone or something):

Plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plink plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky...

Plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky. plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky…

Plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky, plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky. plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky…

Plink plink plinky, plink plink plinky, plink-plink-plink, plinky plinky plinky…

Hello?

Ooh, sorry I forgot you were there.

The only problem with the Plinky Hold facility on my phone is that it has made my friends so jealous that they have stopped phoning me.

I never would’ve thought people could be so covetous.

Buckley on the bore

2007-05-09T20:50:00.000+01:00

Did a bit of user testing on BBC Slink this afternoon.

User testing is where you get people, of the demographic your website is aimed at, to look at it while you stare at them. When staring at them gets boring you can ask them some questions, which they won’t be sure how to answer because, oddly, they don’t actually care that much about your website. And when this makes them really uncomfortable, you stare at them some more. This is often done in a special room, with other people also staring at them from behind two-way mirror. I imagine this is to make it so they’re not sure how many people are actually watching them, in case they weren’t already uncomfortable enough with the staring and the questions.

Actually though, today it wasn’t like that. Slink is for teenaged girls, and I spent an hour or so with a 14 year old and a 16 year old at my desk, just chatting about what websites they and their friends like and why, and what they thought of Slink and some other BBC teen content. They were lovely and told me lots of useful things about how they use the web and what they’d like to see on the BBC.

So now I’m heaving with ideas for what content areas should be binned, and what should be added, and what extra functionalities could be make it more popular and-

But, when you’re a freelancer you can’t really go bowling in telling everyone what they should be doing. And it’s not as if I’d even really gain anything from any improvements, because I’m only there for a few weeks. And anyway, it's the BBC, so guidelines and budgets would probably prevent everything.... Basically, I have to try and be a bit restrained.

I don’t know - exercising restraint, and using words like ‘functionality’ - whatever is happening to your old friend Buckley?

I’m off to see Spiderman 3 tomoz, hopefully that’ll help me get back to normal. If you don't want to read more boring rambling work-related posts, you'd better hope so too...

Missing out

2007-05-08T13:53:00.000+01:00

I’m working in an office three days a week for the next few weeks. This entails going out of the house in the morning and not coming home until nearly night time. I am missing all the action that goes on outside my window. By now I bet the old woman across the road has been out for her daily walk, and the dustman has been past and emptied the bin by the bus stop, and next door’s cat has had a sit-and-a-rest in the driveway. And here I am stuck here in the BBC Radio 1 building missing all the excitement.

Working in an office also means that I have to remember to act in a socially acceptable manner. I think I’ve cracked the ‘not farting or scratching my bum’ thing without too much trouble this time, but I am finding the ‘not talking too much’ bit kind of tricky. I’m sure that if people realised how many fascinating and important things I have to say they would be only too delighted to hear about them, but it is difficult to convey this fact without talking quite a lot.

Anyway, I’m off to scoff my packed lunch now. At least I get to exercise my passion for Tupperware containers.

Other ideas

2007-05-03T21:27:00.000+01:00

I've been working away from home today, at the BBC in Central London. There are a lot of people in Central London and they like to move around very quickly. And a large proportion of them appear to be worried they might have some awful disease, perhaps where all their limbs will fall off one day, and then their head will explode, causing an irremovable stain on their suit, and then they will die. If I thought I had that I would be almost as downcast as they look.

I don't know whether being away from my study has anything to do with this, but I'm afraid I am awash with adulterous yearnings. I have another idea for a novel you see, and I'm wondering whether I might rather write that one than the one I'm supposed to be writing. This feels quite wrong, I mean we've been together for well over a year now. But the idea is so nubile and full of vigour and makes me feel so alive...

Not sure what to do. Any thoughts?

Wardrobe malfunction

2007-05-02T15:02:00.000+01:00

Yesterday started off quiet well – bit of lovely porridge for breakfast, popped my exercise gear on, and had a nice walk down to the gym in the sunshine. Ah.

Having managed not to punch myself in the face during my Body Combat class, I was feeling pretty confident as I started Body Pump afterwards, and took a place near the front of the class.

Once we were warmed up, the instructor began the main workout with squats. I caught sight of myself in the mirror at the front of the studio. My cheeks were still coloured from Body Combat and my shoulders glistened with hard earned sweat.

“Looking good Buckley”, I thought to myself. “Clearly, you are the strongest and fittest person in the world. How’s about showing the rest of these pip-squeaks how it’s done?”

I added an extra couple of kg to each side of my barbell, placed it over my shoulders, and checked my form in the side mirror as I sunk into a nice deep squat. Perfect form. But then something went awry.

There’s no easy way of saying this. My trousers split. Right across my bum.

Someone commented afterwards that it was lucky I wasn’t wearing a thong, but I’m not sure my huge pair of pink underpants were much less embarrassing.

To make matters worse, as I attempted to make a discreet exit, hobbling out of the class red-faced whilst trying to grip the sides of my trousers together, the instructor, thinking I must’ve done some awful injury to myself, came dashing over to ask what was wrong.

I was slightly flustered as you can imagine and blurted, “I’ve had a trouser accident.”

I could tell by her expression that I’d given her the impression that things were even worse than they actually were. I also realised that she was still wearing her microphone and so the whole class had heard it too.

In a bid to remedy this misunderstanding as quickly as possible I turned and pointed to the actual problem.

I think out of relief more than anything, at the sight of my belly-smacker-clad buttocks, she exclaimed, “Oh, you’ve split your trousers.”

Cue laughter from the whole of the class.

It was like Bridget Jones meets Tom Jones. A match made in embarrassment hell.

2007-05-02T14:57:00.000+01:00

If it seems like I have been uncommunicative lately, it's because I've been busy. I submitted my Cosmopolitan feature on Monday, that took up a lot of time over the last couple of weeks. Haven't heard anything back yet, hope they'll like it. Sorry I haven't been replying to comments much, I'll put that right this afternoon.

Sloppy seconds

2007-04-26T09:01:00.000+01:00

I drove over the Second Severn Bridge yesterday. The Second Severn Bridge is awesome – driving over it makes you feel like King of the World. Well, it does it for me anyways.

Really, considering all the time and effort that must have gone into building something like that, you’d have thought they could’ve come up with a better name for it than the Second Severn Bridge, wouldn’t you?

I mean it’s a bit like if my parents had decided to call me Second Child or remarried couples referred to each other as their Second Spouse – kind of derogatory. Sort of lowers the expectations doesn't it?

I also would’ve thought that they’d have gotten rid of the troll who apparently lives under the bridge and makes you pay £5.10 (cash only), via his minions in the troll booths atop the bridge, or he won’t let you cross.

It is a pity there don’t seem to be any knights around these days to sort things like that out for us…

Actually though, there are lots of knights around aren’t there? Cliff Richard and Norma Major, for example – what are they doing about trolls? Nothing as far as I can see.

They wouldn’t have got away with that in King Arthur’s day.

I do not think that our current monarch is very good at picking at knights at all.

Mind you, what can you expect from someone with a name like Queen Elizabeth the Second?

HBD Bill

2007-04-23T14:25:00.000+01:00

Today is William Shakespeare's birthday. I would like to say "happy birthday" to him.

But there is not much point in doing that because he is dead.

I have also just been reading that - strangely enough - today, 23rd April, is also day on which Shakespeare died.

Isn't that amazing?

I mean, I was pretty impressed by all his plays and poetry and stuff before, but now that I know he wrote it all just one day I am in total awe.

Respect due.

Headline hoggers

2007-04-20T10:52:00.000+01:00

I see that Pete Doherty is making headlines again.

Him and that Kate Moss are in the “news” at least once per week.

I can’t understand it myself. Is anyone really that bothered what this ultra-minted It-couple, who will never experience a proper day’s work in their lives, are up to?

I for one believe that the valuable news-space hogged by them would be much better utilised to inform us of more important global happenings.

I mean, we haven’t heard anything much about Prince William splitting up with Thingy for at least a day now, have we?

*Buckley Fact*
I did a couple of reports on the young royals for RTL Germany a while back. It’s really weird seeing yourself on telly with your voice dubbed over.

Times-ing

2007-04-19T11:48:00.000+01:00

Hiya. Remember me? I used to hang out around here quite a lot. Are we still friends?

Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the Real World is a very distracting place and doesn’t half get in the way of writing and eating toast and obsessively checking your emails.

Everything’s all back to normal in Buckley World now, just the way I like it. Being back secreted in my lovely study is pleasing me hugely. What a comfort it is to be surrounded once again by all my cool stuff - such as my glass fruit collection, my dust collection - which I keep on my guitar, and my pens-I-have-nicked-from-various-offices collection.

I went to a dinner the other night with my boyf and the other Maths teachers from his school. These guys like pens even more than I do. I think kudos may be distributed among them on the basis of how many pens they can fit in their jacket pockets, with a (somewhat sinister in my opinion) preference for red.

During the dinner conversation mainly centred around the scintillating subject of what it is like teaching maths. For a while I didn’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, which I found very troubling, because obviously everyone must’ve been getting painfully desperate to hear me speak. I wracked my brains for something that might be of interest to maths teachers. Eventually, I decided on revealing to them the ingenious way that I do multiplication of the numbers 7 through to 9 - which is to times by ten, then knock 3 to 1 times the number I’m times-ing off, because that is easier.

I found their reaction slightly puzzling. I do not see anything amusing about it. I could only imagine that what they were doing was laughing nervously as they realised that once my brain-saving method of doing sums gets around they will all be out of a job.

Putting my boyf out of work probably wouldn’t be very good for our relationship, so I shall be keeping it to myself from now on. And you’d better not tell anyone either.

I know I can trust you unreservedly... But, all the same, I want you to know that if I see or hear of anyone using the Buckley Method of times-ing I shall know that you blabbed and not be your friend any more.

Buckley's been off the blog

2007-04-17T09:10:00.000+01:00

Sorry - I ended up going up to my folks' again last week. Just trying to catch up on things. Back very soon.

Jx

Commercial break

2007-04-09T18:09:00.000+01:00

I’ve been to stay with my family for a few days to visit a relative who was taken into hospital, hence the unannounced absence. Sorry to all those who experienced feelings despair as a result. I am back now with lots of scintillating and profound things to say...

I saw Lucy Diamond’s novel in Borders earlier. It sounds spiffy and I shall definitely be reading it when I’m out of my fiction-fast. It was on one of those tables where all of the most popular stuff is placed. I am very pleased about this because Lucy Diamond is lovely. But I bet Lucy Diamond is even more pleased than I am. How cool must that be for her? 100% cool, I reckon. I wonder if I will ever be able to find out for myself?

You know I said last Monday that I was going along to a writing group that I hadn’t been to before? Well, it was very interesting, and everyone was nice and friendly and not-scary and gave me useful feedback on my first chapter. But one of the people said they thought my novel would be categorised as Commercial, rather than Literary.

I hadn’t really thought about what category it will be. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not sure why, I'm sure he didn't mean anything derogatory. And I want my book to be non-pretentious, and accessible to the ordinary reader, and it’d certainly be nice if it was popular.

Maybe it’s because I associate the word commercial with working purely for profit, or perhaps fame, which are not my main motivators for writing. I dunno. I’m thinking it’s probably best if I finish the thing before I start worrying about all that stuff though.

You know, I’d really love to finish my novel. (Have I mentioned that I am writing a novel?) I mean, I know I'm supposed to be basking in the transcendentally exquisite feat that is The Writing but, let's face it, it must be cool to be able to think about the finished manuscript and feel like everything is right and the story works.

One of these days.

Hope everyone’s enjoying the bank holiday sunshine.

School's out for Easter

2007-04-02T13:22:00.000+01:00

My boyfriend is a teacher. But he is not teaching right now because he is off work for his Easter break. In my opinion, anyone who can wangle three weeks off work on full pay just to eat Easter eggs probably has much of value to teach the younger generation, so he is undoubtedly in the correct line of work.

He keeps asking me to do fun holiday things with him like going out to teashops, or eating ice-creams in the park, or for a quick round of golf. This is all very tempting, especially when it’s nice and sunny like today.

But I’m supposed to be trying to get my novel finished. And I’m working on a magazine article. And I’ve got about 2,382 emails I need to reply to.

But it is a lovely day. And, the thing is, I haven’t played golf since last summer. And it’s always really busy at weekends. Plus, I’m going to a new writing group tonight at swanky-pants members club, the hospital. So that counts as working on the novel doesn’t it? Plus, I am very nervous because everyone else will all be properly good at writing, whilst I suspect that I am just a bit of an idiot. So maybe a bit of golf will help me to chillax.

So, I suppose, if you think about it, a round of golf would really help with my novel.

Good. I am glad we sorted that one out.

Now onto teashops. The thing is, I haven’t a cake in ages. And I ran five miles this morning. And…

*Last chance to win choc*
Just a reminder that today is the last day you can enter my egg-cellent Hotel Chocolat Easter hamper competition.

The fistless postman

2007-04-01T17:54:00.000+01:00

The postman who comes to my house is apparently incapable of ringing my doorbell or knocking at my door. If he was able to ring my doorbell or knock at my door I am sure that he would do so, when required to deliver large items of mail, in order to save me the trouble of having to go to keep going to the parcel depot, with its infinitesimal opening hours and clamper-infested car park.

Perhaps all the paper cuts, hessian-sack-burns, and general wear and tear from his years of delivering letters have completely worn anyway the poor postie’s fingers and knuckles. I expect that he writes out all the I-tried-to-give-you-a-parcel-but-you-were-out slips that he pushes through my door (even though I almost always in fact in) using only his thumbs.

Hats off to the Royal Mail for employing such a remarkable chap.

As the more perceptive reader may have gleaned, I do not enjoy visiting the parcel depot. Not least because usually my only reward turns out to be a boring brochure for holidays I can’t afford to go on, or some kind of marketing mail-out bumf. However, yesterday’s parcel depot trip was a joyous occasion - Hotel Chocolat had sent me another Easter egg.

I wasn’t expecting another one. This has to be proof that they love me and want to marry me.

Or maybe they sent it by mistake. Oh god, I hope they’re not going to ask for it back – because, um, there could be a problem there...

*Wag of Week*
I have never had a Wag of the Week slot before, and may never do again. I really just wanted an excuse to say that I went to a comedy night last night at which Paul Foot was the headline. The consequences of this were hilarious. He is a very funny man. And he does jokes about cake.

Only 3 days left to get your mitts on mucho Choco

2007-03-31T13:21:00.000+01:00

My Easter chocolate hamper competition ends on Monday - just thought I'd egg you on if you haven't already entered...

Sorry, that was a really bad yoke.

Sorry.

It's open worldwide and the winner will be announced shortly after 2nd April. The prize is exclusive to Buckley on the Blog, so one person who enters through this blog will deffo Win Chocolate!!!

Buckley's Bitter (after tombola swizz)

2007-03-30T16:58:00.000+01:00

I went along to the London Drinker Beer Festival last night. There were some fantastic beers and also, to my glee, a tombola.

The tombola was called ‘Every 1’s a Winner’. I will leave you to meditate for yourself on the reason why it was called this. Actually though it should have been called ‘Rubbish Rip-off Non-Tombola’ because I spent £3.50 on it and didn’t win a bean. And it wasn’t really a proper tombola because you picked the tickets from a bucket and not one of those turny-barrel things that proper tombolas have.

It was 50p a go, or five goes for £2.50. I was, let’s say, enjoying my role as The Future of Beer at the time, so £2.50 for five goes seemed like a bargain. It was only after paying my £2.50 and not winning, as I stood there stunned and dumbfounded by my defeat, that it occurred to me that 5 x 50p = £2.50.

So, to teach them a lesson, I forked out a further £1 for a couple more goes, certain that my luck was holding out for the big prize (a fabulous tankard!). Sadly though, I was thwarted again. Imagine my horror when I reached into my purse only to find that I had run out of money. It was time to go home. I left a broken a woman.

I don’t mean that I attacked the woman who was running the “tombola” stall and left her broken, in case you were worried. I mean that I was upset about not winning anything.

It’s only a game though, isn’t it? It's not like I'm going to bear any lingering resentment...

Anyway, check out these beers which have been named in honour of The Future of Beer:

Buckley's Best (Bitter) has, according to brewers, Brains, "A light, fragrant nose with a pleasing hoppy character." It is also, "well-balanced with nutty overtones for easy drinking."

Buckley's Beers are a small Australian brewer. Their bitter sounds good too, apparently it, "looks serious in the glass" and, "is not a beer for wimps."

Sounds like the essence of Buckley has been captured nicely. Good work chaps, I appreciate the tribute.

London drinker

2007-03-28T18:27:00.000+01:00

In my role as The Future of Beer, it is my solemn duty to go to the London Drinker Beer Festival this week.

I haven't been to the London Drinker fest before, but I am not one to shirk responsibility and so I will check it out. I'll probably pop along tomorrow night.

I hope they have a tombola, like at the Great British Beer Festival. Tombola is a game at which I am highly skilled - with enough practice goes, I never fail to win a prize.

Bored game evening

2007-03-28T13:05:00.000+01:00

I bought the boyf the 24 DVD board game for crimbo. Since then it has sat invitingly on a shelf in his study, patiently waiting for us to find the right time to play it. That glorious moment came yesterday evening.

In the game you have to solve clues to stop terrorists doing nasty terrorist things, which means you can only really play each of the three scenarios on it once. So we decided to get a few fellow CTU wannabes over to make a night of it.

Seven “agents” came over. Each bought a little satchel containing essential baddy-thwarting equipment, such as booze and nachos, and we all took our places around the telly to save the free world.

Unfortunately though, in the words of the Amazon reviews I read this morning, the 24 DVD game turned out to be, “rubbish”, and “impossible” to complete, and “if Jack Bauer had to contend with such poor software he'd never catch the terrorists”, and “truly, this game is an offence to all decent people”. The point I am trying to make here is that it was not very good.

This is not Jack Bauer’s fault though. I blame Hasbro, who made the game. I applied for a job with them once and they never even gave me an interview.

They are clearly lacking in judgement. They should be put in a room with Richards until they explain what on this earth they were thinking of.

Midnight writing angst

2007-03-27T00:35:00.000+01:00

It’s after midnight. I went to bed over an hour ago. And now I’m up again because I can’t sleep. I don’t know why. There’s nothing in particular on my mind... Except the novel I suppose. I did keep thinking about the novel.

After lying there for a bit it suddenly occurred to me that there aren’t enough small details in it.

I described someone’s dress as ‘bright yellow’. But now I realise that, for the reader to see the colour of dress I want them to see, I really ought to let them know that it is ‘the colour of a banana’.

I said there were some ‘flowers in a pot’. But now I’m thinking I should've pointed out that they were ‘tulips and pansies planted in a big old-fashioned square sink’.

I told the reader about the ‘car’ in the driveway. But now it seems glaringly obvious that I should've mentioned that it was an ‘ancient Volvo estate, with tan-coloured paint, so bubbled with corrosion it looked like crunchy peanut butter’. And so on.

It’s funny because earlier today I was reading through what I've done so far on the second draft and thinking that I was pretty happy with it all. And now I have suddenly realised that it is severely lacking in detail and is therefore rubbish. That is not actually funny at all is it? That must be why I am not laughing. To tell the truth, I am doing a bit of a grin though, the kind you do when you've had a helpful realisation. Funnily enough.

Looks like I have some work to do. I feel strangely better now I've blogged about it though. Maybe it will wait till morning after all.

Seriously defining relationship moment

2007-03-23T14:08:00.000+01:00

I was with some people chatting about relationships the other day. One guy said that he'd just opened a joint savings account with his girlfriend and felt like it was a defining moment in their relationship. He then asked me what I thought the defining moment was for me and my boyf.

I said that, for me, the most significant step was moving in together. And, for the boyf, I reckon it was probably when we finally merged our CD collections four years later.

Cue lots of guffaws and, "Seriously though, Buckley, what do you really think?".

I think I really ought to stop saying what I really think if I'm ever going to get people to take me seriously.

And press...

2007-03-22T16:49:00.000+01:00

In the gym changing room this morning a lady was chatting to her friend about how difficult she finds it to get up early to do exercise.

Her friend had some advice, which was that she should get her gym kit ready and ironed the night before and put it by her alarm clock across the other side of her room from her bed.

I thought it was a good tip.

"That's a good idea", I said.

They nodded and smiled...

"Except... Iron your gym kit?! You actually do that? That is almost as bad as ironing towels. Come on ladies, I know we've got the longer life expectantly, but that's just ridiculous", I added, silently inside my head.

That is not the sort of pumping iron that I associate with the gym. But, then again, I'm not even stressed about what my loo says about me, so I'm obviously a complete failure as a woman. Never mind, eh?

*Choco comp*
Good luck to everyone who's entered my Hotel Chocolat Easter Hamper competition so far. Do have a go if you haven't already, the questions are pip-squeak if you look at the clues and the prize is choc-o-bliss.

Win chocolate - loads of chocolate!

2007-03-21T10:12:00.000+01:00

Who wants £50 worth of chocolate? Yeah, I do as well, but I can't have it because I've gone and said I'll give away in this competition.

See that picture of a box full of chocco goodies over there? One lucky Buckley on the Blog visitor is going to win it. It's from Hotel Chocolat. They do nice choc, believe me, I had one of their Easter eggs last week and it was totally yumscious.

Hotel Chocolat have set the questions below. Put the first letter of the answer to each question together and it should spell out a word. The 'Enter Here' link below the questions will take you to a page on the Hotel Chocolat site where you type in the password for a chance to win.

I want to stress that this competition is exclusive to this blog - so someone who enters from here will definitely win the Hotel Chocolat Easter Hamper. Which means you're in with a pretty good chance. It doesn't matter what country you are in, anyone can enter.

If you could give my comp a mention on your blog I'd appreciate it very much.

Anyway, the closing date is 2nd April, so let us not dally. Here you go...

1. What sound should good quality chocolate make? [Clue]

2. From what word was the name ‘Easter’ originally derived? [Clue]

3. What is the name of the civilisation, from 1500 BC to 400 BC, who first discovered the delicious taste of chocolate? [Clue]

4. What is the indigenous name of Easter Island ? [Clue]

5. In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, what is the surname of Mike, who is miniaturised by a television camera? [Clue]

6. What is the yellow part of an egg called? [Clue]

Easy-peasy. Once you think you have the answer, Enter Here.

Good luck!

Auntie Julia's got a sore head

2007-03-21T09:50:00.000+01:00

I only had one glass of wine last night. But I have woken up this morning with thumping headache. How annoying. I might as well have got drunk.

My mobile phone rang when I was in the pub. It was my younger brother. He was calling to tell me that my older brother’s wife had just given birth. The message was a bit garbled. Something about the baby being unusually large. I hope my new nephew is not the human equivalent of Digby. He did say that mother and baby are both fine though.

Massive congratulations to Alex and Louise.

....I'm just going to have a bowl of porridge and an asprin, and then I'm going to ring my mum to ask about the baby, and then I'll come back and post the chocolate competition. OK, choc fans?

Deviant running

2007-03-19T10:40:00.000+01:00

I’ve been enjoying the lovely springy weather we’ve been having lately. I’ve got into the habit of going for a pre-breakfast run, which sets me up nicely for being glued to my chair all day.

This morning however, I picked up my trainers and opened the curtains to find that the rooftops of North West London were dusted with white stuff. This could only be the result of nuclear fallout, I reasoned. The bomb must’ve been dropped during the night. It was also brassic-cold, so I supposed that nuclear winter must be setting in.

I decided that those probably weren’t ideal conditions for going out running. So I filled the kettle and popped the radio on... Imagine my horror when the weather report came on and informed me that I had been wrong about the nuclear bomb thing – what had actually happened was that it had snowed!

I am outraged. It is supposed to be March, if my cat-a-day calendar does not deceive me. It doesn’t snow in March. Not in London. And anyway, I thought we were supposed to be having global warming. Where’s that today? Global warming is obviously a complete lie, funded by the manufacturers of those hand-held mini-fans, I expect.

If it does not get warmer later on I will have no option but to go out for a run wearing my hoodie, which is obviously very offensive and everyone will think that I am probably either running away from the police or chasing an old person for their pension book.

I bet that my dear friend, lovely Rebecca Atkinson, will not be deterred by the scandalous weather. She is running the London Marathon in a few weeks and has been training furiously by all accounts. You might’ve seen her articles in the Guardian or the column she used to write in Weekend magazine. Right now, she’s charting her marathon training in Runners World magazine.

Rebecca’s partially sighted. To make sure she stays on course she has cleverly lassoed Sophie Wooley (who is also running the marathon) with a rope which she attaches to her own wrist in order to use her as a guide.

Apparently, this has been drawing a few puzzled comments from people as they pass by. In order to be less confusing, I think one of them should wear a black and white stripy sweater and an eye mask and gloves, and the other one should wear a police uniform. And instead of a rope they should use handcuffs. That way people would be less confused and therefore they would draw less attention.

I am off to email Rebecca with this brilliant suggestion now. Sometimes my genius surprises even me.

Rebecca and Sophie are raising money for Guide Dogs for the Blind. They are both superstars. If you like, you can sponsor them:

http://www.justgiving.com/rebeccaatkinson
http://www.justgiving.com/sophiewoolley

Coming soon - win choc

2007-03-19T09:00:00.000+01:00

Hotel Chocolat clearly love me. I think that they might want to marry me.

They are so pleased I liked the egg they sent me that they are letting me give away a £50 Easter Hamper right here on my blog.

I should have the competition up and running in the next couple of days. It will be a choco-eggstravaganza.

Cosmo Buckley

2007-03-16T16:36:00.000+01:00

I've just had some really good news.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that a regular commission is coming to an end in April and so I need to find more work...

Well, I've just been commissioned to write my first feature for Cosmopolitan (which, for my overseas visitors, is probably Britain's best known women's glossy).

I don't want to give anything away at this stage, but it's on something really juicy and interesting. I'll let you have a couple more clues just before the mag comes out, but I expect that won't be for a couple of months.

I'm so pleased. I was only saying the other day how much I'd like to get more work writing for people my own age and now this has happened.

It's not such a bad life really, is it?

Thoughts of home

2007-03-16T10:35:00.000+01:00

You know what I love? Spending a full day working on my novel, carefully crafting some 3,000 words, and then waking up the next morning realising I hate it and it doesn’t work and is just a load of old rambling background that the reader doesn’t need to hear about.

Not that anything like that would ever happen to me…

Let us not dwell on such things.

My novel is set in the town where I grew up in Stoke-on-Trent, so I’ve been thinking about home quite a lot recently. I wrote a couple of lines yesterday (which probably won’t go into the novel) about “the brown canals worming around the paint factory, the rows of red-bricked houses, the Working Men’s Club, and the shut-down train station”. Such a contrast with the gothic buildings and trendy eateries that I live among now. I miss the unpretentiousness sometimes.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, I’m in a bit of a pensive mood this morning, so I won’t bore you with any more of my stream of consciousness. Here are some fellow Stokies whose blogs are well worth a look:

Icklebug – So cute it almost hurts
Wings – Also quite cute, but without the bunnies
Jamby - Album and gig reviews
Lucky Donut – Likes the odd flutter
Phoenix2k - Adie's got a brand new blog

These are the only Stoke bloggers I’ve come across - please drop me a comment if you know of any others and I'll add them to the list.

I'm getting feline urges again

2007-03-14T18:25:00.000+01:00

I don’t know whether it’s something to do with spring springing, but I’m suffering terribly with the urge to get a kitten.

If you’ve been paying close attention (and therefore are very cool) you may remember that I’ve mentioned this knotty dilemma before. If you are uncool and haven’t been paying attention, or have only recently become cool (i.e. you have only just discovered the joys of Buckley on the Blog), I will begrudgingly fill you in. Basically, I’d love to get a cat, but I don’t want to buy cat food because I am a grass-munching hippy-assed vegetarian.

Like I said though, lately it’s been getting bad. I do not think my Cat-a-Day calendar is helping much. I’ve been spending a lot of time staring it.

I have also developed a theory that having a cat around the place would help me write my novel because it would be a calming influence. This is a complete lie. In the real world, if I got a cat, I would sit around bothering it for hours – telling myself my new pet needed lots of attention. This behaviour would coincide with times when I got to a tricky bit in the novel.

Ah me. My boyfriend’s aquarium hasn’t been much of a comfort. I mean, it’s all very pretty, but you can’t really interact with it. The fish just gape at me. And the clam ignores me completely, which I think is very shellfish behaviour.

Sorry. I think I might be all written out for today.

Here is a picture of my sister-in-law's cat Thomas to make up for that. He is much funnier than me.

Sold out for choc

2007-03-13T09:44:00.000+01:00

You know that posh chocolate shop, Hotel Chocolat? They’ve sent me an Easter egg. This one.

That was very nice of them wasn’t it? It came in a lovely box with a ribbon and shiny wrapping. It’s a bit special inside as well. Normal Easter eggs are nice enough, but this one is made of really thick choc and contains butterflies. Not real butterflies, it is not that special, they are made from chocolate. Proper chocolate.

I think I might prefer these butterflies to real ones actually though, I mean, what have real butterflies ever done for me? Nothing.

Problem is I am now spoilt. How am I ever going to enjoy the waxy-choc egg containing three jellybabies that my granny buys every Easter me now? I won’t really will I? But I can hardly tell my granny that.

I will have to say that I liked it. And then I will be liar. I will have lied to my own granny. That will definitely make me a bad person.

I have sold my soul for chocolate.

I tell you what though, I think it might’ve been worth it.

The mystery of the castrated mouse

2007-03-10T10:14:00.001+01:00

I know you may find this hard to believe, what with me being a global-cyberspace-360°-Boolean-babe and all, but only last week did I progress from an old ball mouse to an infrared one.

This is definitely a good thing. I feel like I have been set free. I can now effortlessly whoosh around the screen without stumbling on the toast crumbs that are all over my desk.

The only thing is, it does seem to have tendency to move around on its own. Like, if I just let go of the thing now… There it goes, over to the left.

No, before you ask, I did not buy my mouse from a pet shop. I think there is something more mysterious afoot.

The only possible explanation I can think of for this is that my mouse is possessed by some kind of spirit.

…Actually John Inman died on the very day I bought my mouse. Connection or coincidence?

Connection, I reckon. I mean, I only just told you how free I’ve been feeling when using my new mouse – and, as we all know, John Inman’s defining characteristic was that he was “free”.

I don’t foresee any problems at present with having a mouse which is possessed by the spirit a recently deceased camp comedian, but I think this is one of those things I should probably keep an eye on. I don’t mind him having a mince around the desk now and then, but I might have to draw the line if I enter my study one day to find my mouse dressed as pantomime dame. That is the sort of thing that could be slightly off-putting.

School daze

2007-03-08T22:16:00.001+01:00

It has come to my attention that my old school, has started referring to itself as a Media Arts College.

I haven’t been anywhere near the place since I left aged 16, so I don’t like to judge, but I’m not keen on the sound of that at all. When I was there it called itself a High School. It was not a high school, it was a comprehensive school, but anyway Zoo would have been a better description.

Obviously it is very possible for pupils from there to end up working in the media/arts because, well, hello world… But the school is in a working class area – the type of area where kids tend to just go to the school that is nearest their house. So they’re going to have pupils with, hopefully, a wide spectrum of ambitions. I’m sure they still teach all the subjects and everything, but specialising in Media and Arts sounds a bit limiting to me – especially at a time when the country is supposed to be crying out for tradespeople and medics and people who know about science.

Ah well, the main thing as far as I am concerned is that I don’t have to go there anymore.

I didn’t like school much. Actually I thought it sucked. Actually I thought it sucked the fat one. Big time. I used to be naughty and cheeky and skive off and stuff. Sometimes I feel bad about giving the teachers such a hard time now, other times I think that most of them were a bit psycho…

Oh, the stories I could tell you. Perhaps some of the most remarkably Wrong lessons I had there were in ‘Social Life Skills’. (Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking - that explains a lot.) Anyway, the guy who taught it, he must’ve been doing it freestyle or something. He used to say stuff like:

“You know class, equality for women is all well and good but - lads, girls still to have doors opened for them. And - girls, a good meal is still the best way to a man’s heart.”

In the ‘Don’t Smoke’ lesson he unscrewed the top of his pipe and passed around the little reservoir thing at the end of the tube for us to look at. It was full of a dark liquid which he said was the tar that gets in your lungs as you smoke. Even then I knew it was actually his saliva. *Shudder*

In the Gay lesson he used the terms ‘a bit fruity’ and ‘lemons'. And in the Drugs lesson he asked us to name stuff that gets you high and when one kid put his hand up and said “mushrooms” he laughed and told him not to be so stupid and that he had those on his breakfast every morning. No. Surprise. There.

I wonder if he’s still there doing the Media and Arts thing. Probably not, he’d be very old now. If he is though, can you imagine it…?

“Now boys, if you want to get a good job in the arts, you’re probably going to have to become a bit fruity, so you’d better start working on your wiggly walks… And girls, if you want to get on in the media, page 3 is a good place to start, so drink lots of milk now.”

Two scarves bad

2007-03-07T10:12:00.000+01:00

I don’t have a proper reason for posting this picture. I just haven't got much to say today so I thought I’d share it with you. It’s AC/DC, from the cover of Highway to Hell.

None of the bands around now are this acer. Most rock stars have gone all trendy. Have you noticed?

I read an interview with The Strokes in Q magazine a while back where one of them was going on about the fact that what's really great about their band is that they're anti-fashion and no one cares about being cool.

You know those stripy scarves that students like to wear? In the photo accompanying the article, the man who said that was wearing two of them. Is that the attire of someone who is anti-fashion and doesn’t care about being cool? I do not think it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I think The Strokes are OK, I like most of the guitar bands around now. But they’re not really Rock are they?

Have you read The Dirt? You definitely should, it is very funny. It’s kind of an autobiography about the adventures of Motley Crue. These guys didn’t go around wearing two scarves. Vince Neil says he never even used to wash his jeans.

Compare that to The View who are in the charts now singing about having ‘The Same Jeans on for Four Days Now’. What sort of a rock star counts how many days it's been since he washed his jeans? And anyway - four days?! I think I’d better go stick a load in.

But, yeah, I think what I’ve been trying to say is that I like this picture of AC/DC.

Agent news and scary meme-ing

2007-03-06T20:31:00.000+01:00

I heard back from the lit agent this afternoon.

Drumroll...

Nothing that earth-shattering actually, but he did say he liked my writing and that I should send him finished manuscript when it’s done. So, all good. Hope I can get it written soon before he forgets about me.

And now for a Scary Meme update.

Swanny whistle…

Peeps who’ve been brave enough to take on my Deep Down n Dirty Meme so far include:

Metal4Life
Kate
Silver Tiger (answers in comments)
Moon Topples
aka_nik
Steg
Wayne saggers (answers in comments)
Atyllah the hen
Susan Abraham
Marie
Media Bunny
Minty (answers in comments)
Jefferson Davis
Chicka Nuts
Z

Nice one guys. You rock.

I would like to say though that, as creator of the meme, I am hereby banning any future participants from saying they don’t like to judge people. I don’t think any of us really like to judge, but this meme is about those times where the lower side of our personality takes over. And it’s about admitting that this happens to all of sometimes, and that doesn’t mean we’re weird or nasty, just normal. And it’s about laughing at our own insecurities. It’s also about me wanting to get the juicy details of what goes on other people’s heads. So feed me – have a go.

Drop me a comment when you've done it and I'll add your link to the list.

Dare you reveal all in my scary meme?

2007-03-05T10:19:00.000+01:00

I have approximately 3,162 things to do today. So what I thought I'd do was have a go at writing a meme instead of starting any of them.

As you will be aware, all memes ask very dull questions that no one cares about the answers to, mostly regarding favourite colours and the like. This one is different. It has added juice.

I give you...

The Deep Down n Dirty Meme

Biggest fear:
Most meglomanical ambition:
When you’re talking to your boss, you’re usually thinking about:
Most disgusting habit:
Criteria for judging other people:
How do you measure up?:
What do you think when you see a fat person eating fast food?:
How about when you see thin person smoking?:
When you meet someone of the same gender who’s more attractive than you, inside you think:
When you meet someone of the opposite gender who’s less attractive than you, inside you think:
The last lie you told was:
Tell us about the time you read someone’s diary/hacked into their emails/went through their stuff:
You know that person who you’re secretly jealous of - and there’s a part of you, that you can’t quite suppress, that wishes they would, just for once, get to taste a bit of your luck? Tell us what you hate about them – go on let it all out:
The most expensive thing you’ve ever stolen was:
Even though all this is true, you’re still a really good person because…

I'm going to tag Caroline, Moon Topples, Steg, Damian, Atyllah, and Silver Tiger. Obviously, feel free not to do it - if you're too scared.

I hope all of my friends will do it though. Anyone is very welcome to. It'd be nice if you'd credit me and let me know you've had a go - I'll pop a link to you on this post.

Are you brave enough?

Don't bother tagging me back though. I never do memes. They're lamo.

*Update*
OK, OK:

Biggest fear: Death. Or getting close to the end of my life and looking back and finding I wasted it.
Most meglomanical ambition: You know how you get these ‘rock star’ comedians now who fill stadiums and stuff? I dream of being a rock star author. Haven’t quite decided how that would work yet, but it would definitely be cool.
When you’re talking to your boss, you’re usually thinking: “Can’t you just send me the cheque without me having to do the work?”
Most disgusting habit: I fart quite a lot, possibly because I don't eat meat. Instead of being embarrassed about this I think it’s funny. Blokes love it. In my mind.
Criteria for judging other people: How long have you got? Tone of voice, facial expression, posture, choice of words, eye contact, clothes, friends, whether they buy me drinks… Sometimes I even listen to the content of what they’re saying.
How do you measure up?: Average.
What do you think when you see a fat person eating fast food?: If I’m feeling thin – ‘please don’t do that to yourself’. If I’m feeling fat – ‘get a grip and sort your life out’.
How about when you see thin person smoking?: If I’m feeling thin – ‘please don’t do that to yourself’. If I’m feeling fat – ‘get a grip and sort your life out’. (See what I did there?)
When you meet someone of the same gender who’s more attractive than you, inside you think: You'd better not be funnier than me.
When you meet someone of the opposite gender who’s less attractive than you, inside you think: You’d better be funnier than me.
The last lie you told was: When I said I was working on my novel again in Saturday’s post. I haven’t actually started working on it again yet. I am going to though. Just as soon as I’ve finished the important business here. Sorry guys.
Tell us about the time you read someone’s diary/hacked into their emails/went through their stuff: It was reassuring and yet strangely disappointing. I’m probably not as ashamed of it as I should be.
You know that person who you’re secretly jealous of - and there’s a part of you, that you can’t quite suppress, that wishes they would, just for once, get to taste a bit of your luck? Tell us what you hate about them – go on let it all out: OK, so she’s got more talent, friends, tenacity, money, moral integrity, social skills, and is generally a nicer person than me... But who's got the cutest butt, eh? Who's the daddy now? *Inner cry*
The most expensive thing you’ve ever stolen was: I used to enjoy a bit of good clean shoplifting as a youth. I think a bottle of perfume was probably the most expensive item I thieved. I had no conscience about it at all. Don’t you just love teenagers?
Even though all this is true, you’re still a really good person because… See question 13.

Happy? Now it's definitely your turn.

Sleeping genius

2007-03-04T19:20:00.000+01:00

I went to my boyf’s dad’s 70th birthday party last night.

I suppose one of the good things about having a party at that age is that you don’t have to worry about upsetting the neighbours. I did consider trying to liven things up by suggesting a game of Musical Recliners, but they seemed to be having quite a lot of fun playing 20 Questions Shouted in Your Ear.

Sorry. Those are probably even older than the birthday boy.

I don’t think I’m very good with old people. I’ve got nothing against them or anything - my own grandparents are old people. I just never know what to say to them. So I spent most of the night talking to boyf’s niece (9) and nephew (7) about pop music and the X Men. I can always rely on Wolverine to rescue me.

Like Wolverine, I personally am not going to get old in the conventional way. I have a plan...

You see, up until now, I’ve been following a fairly standard pattern of being awake in the day and sleeping at night.

But, if you think about it, wouldn’t it be better to be constantly awake for the first fifty years, or so, of your life which - I don’t care what anyone says - are obviously the best? Then you could sleep through all the crap bits, where most people have to get all crumbly, smell funny, grumble about everything being loads better in the old days, and all that stuff. And then just wake up for the last couple years when everyone’s really nice to you because you’re about to peg it.

I am a genius. And this is a brilliant plan.

There are absolutely no disadvantages to this plan whatsoever.

No news, but it's still good news

2007-03-03T16:32:00.000+01:00

Since I’ve had a few emails asking if I’ve heard anything back from the lit agent, I thought I should let you know that he hasn’t got back to me yet. It’s probably a bit soon to expect to hear from him for a little while though, it’s only been just over a week.

I’m really touched that people have cared enough to ask. But, y’know, I’m a big girl, as well as being acer at body combat and therefore double-hard, I’ve been working in the media for over seven years now – it’d be difficult to do that without being able to handle rejection! I’ll be fine whatever the outcome. I promise.

I know I was all of a flutter and bursting with the flattery of this when I posted the other day – and I still am. But I feel like I ought to add a bit a perspective – this guy’s not the only agent to have been in touch about the book. He is the only one I’ve shown the manuscript to though, and I do like the sound of him, so that’s why I’m so keen to get his feedback. That said, what he’s looking at is basically just the start of the 50,000 word outline I wrote last November, in less than a month, so it’s far from polished. Even if he doesn’t think much of it, he’s not judging my best work.

Obviously, I hope he loves it, and if he does I’ll certainly discuss the future with him. But like I said, he’s not the only agent to have been in touch and certainly not the only good agent out there. Also, I’m watching with interest the progress of some blogger-authors who’re publishing their books without agents. Especially the lovely and brilliant Caroline.

Knowing my work is on an agent’s desk does make my fiction writing seem more significant though. Until now it’s taken a backseat to my commissions, because it’s always felt like more of a hobby alongside my ‘real’ paid writing. But the possibility that I could be getting paid for producing fiction someday soon is very exciting. So I’m working on the novel again – for the first time in earnest since November.

I’m thinking that’s a happy outcome already.

Thanks so much for the support, you’re all lovely. And sorry about the long dull post. I’ll try and think something more in my usual looney style for you later, I’m sure I must’ve been proposed to or uncovered an evil plot or something recently. I just thought some of my regular visitors might like an update.

Heeya!

2007-03-02T10:12:00.000+01:00

On Thursday evenings I like to go out and kick some ass.

I do Body Combat at the gym. To tell you the truth, I don’t actually make contact with anyone else’s ass, but there is a lot of kicking involved. You might think that kicking sans ass is a bit pointless, but I plan to someday become a Spy, or perhaps a sort of cool Vigilante, so I need to practice mixing it up so I can be ready to take on nasty baddies and evil nemesises (nemesi?).

Last night I accidentally punched myself in the face though. That is not what you are supposed to do. You wouldn’t get James Bond or – um – The Equaliser, punching their own faces would you?

To make matters worse, it didn’t even hurt very much. This was a bit disillusioning because I was planning on flooring villains with a single blow. I think the awkward angle may have taken some of the force out it though. Definitely. I hate angles.

But someone once told me that I am my own worst enemy. If that is the case, I think that being a Spy or Vigilante will be an easy job, even if I’m not very good at punching. I mean, I’m obviously pretty soft and have already proven that even I am quite capable of beating myself up.

So any baddies out there better watch out – once my jaw is less sore, and I’ve finished writing my novel, and I’ve tidied up my study, and finished organising my CDs, and updated my website…

P.S.
And now listen to my podcast you miserable lot, it is funny really, honest. And probably the only chance you'll ever get of hearing me sing. Gosh, anyone would think you didn't want a lesson in how to do crafts from a seven year old.

My First Podcast II

2007-03-01T11:01:00.000+01:00

Since I managed to upload an audio file that actually worked the other day, I thought I'd have another go at sharing my first podcast with you.

This is probably not in the least funny or of the slightest interest to anyone to but me, and possibly my mum. But all I have done in the last 24 hours is go to the dentist and read and watch television and that is probably even less interesting, so think yourself lucky that you don't have to put up with me rambling on about that.

Buckley Circa 1984 - recorded on one of those old "portable" cassette machines, a bit like the one in the picture as I recall, only even more chonka and with an enticing red record button. So don't expect any sort of clarity of sound. But do get ready for a unique blend of music and chat. Don't even dream of touching that dial. Tune in and rip the knob off. Etc.

Get a load of my Stokie accent as well - if that's what I sounded like, I think my friends might be right, I have started 'talking more posh' since I moved to London.

Banana lucre

2007-02-28T15:18:00.000+01:00

Walking past a fruit stall earlier, I noticed a sign, which read:

Banana's £1.20

I'm very pleased that Banana has a pound and twenty pence, but I don't really think that it warrants a sign. I mean, I have £5.63 in my purse right now and I haven't even mentioned it to anyone.

Are the fruits in your area similarly flashy?

I can sit on this no longer

2007-02-27T19:17:00.000+01:00

I’ve been a bit unsure whether to mention this. But it’s been nearly a week now and I’ve far outreached my capacity for keeping what’s on my mind inside my brain. I can feel it coming out whether I like it or not. Almost like a fart I’ve been sitting on for hours. I don’t know about you, but when that happens I always get to a point where I have to conclude that - seeing as it’s going escape whatever - I might as well make the most melodious parp I can with it. So, brace yourself, here it comes...

The thing is, last week, something happened which was very cool indeed. It was right up there with the time I found a Malteaser rolling around in the bottom of my handbag whilst looking for a pen.

An agent emailed me. Not just any agent either, but someone I’ve heard really good things about, and who was going to be one of the first people I sent my novel off to when it’s finished. I don’t know how he’d heard about me, I suppose he must’ve come across the blog somehow. I expect he admired my mastery of delightful metaphors (see above). Although, strangely, that’s not what he emailed me to say – he wanted to have a read of my novel.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I'm far from happy with the current state of my manuscript and I’ve been very precious about not showing it to anyone – I’ve even put off a publisher who I like a lot until it’s finished. But he seemed keen, and a really nice guy, and I didn’t want to disappoint. I sent it to him.

So, now my manuscript, the one that I said I thought was rubbish, is with a top literary agent. Am I worried though? Of course not. I am so anxious that I think that I am going to be sick.

I hope he gets back to me soon, because if he leaves it too long I am worried that I will be unable to finish the novel off for him to send out, as I believe I might get so anxious that I will die.

I am not going to email and ask him what he thinks though because, obviously, I am much too cool and laid-back and self-assured for that.

Look into my eyes - and I'll give you slimmer thighs

2007-02-27T11:26:00.000+01:00

Chatting to a close friend yesterday, she mentioned she’d decided to finally, once and for all, lose the excess fat on her body that’s been bothering her for years.

Now, I don’t talk about it very much (mainly because I’ve noticed that it makes people hate me), but if you visit here a lot you may have picked up on the fact that I’m something of a gym rat. So I was really pleased for her and interested to find out what she had planned.

“I’ve bought this book by Paul Mckenna, you know the hypnotist? It’s called I Can Make You Thin.”

“Sounds a bit creepy. What’s he going to do, put a spell on you or something?”

“No.”

“OK, so it’s a diet book?”

“No. You know I never stick to diets, they're just not realistic. This is all about changing the way I think about food.”

“So, you’re not changing your diet?”

“I can’t stand being hungry, you know that – Paul McKenna says no one ever really keeps the weight off by following a diet that makes them hungry.”

“Exactly, that’s why you need to eat healthier food.”

“The thing is Julia, I’ve got to be realistic, I’m not going to make any drastic changes in my diet.”

“What about exercise then?”

“”You know I hate exercise, I tried it before. I’m not like you, I wouldn’t stick to it, not realistically.”

“What are you doing then?”

“Well there’s a CD that came with the book and it hypnotises you so you think differently about food.”

“So, you’re going to think yourself thin?”

“I suppose I am.”

“Right, well that sounds much more realistic.”

“Julia, you just don’t understand.”

She had that right.

Maybe this is what people mean when they say reality is subjective?

Or, maybe people who are normally very sensible and intelligent will believe any old load of crap when it comes to losing weight?

Don't listen to me though. I mean, I'm not a famous hypnotist, or even a celebrity who used to be fat before she had a personal trainer and dietician. I'm just a normal woman who consistently fits exercise and good nutrition into her normal life. What on earth could I possibly know?

Tags: gym, diet, fitness, exercise, weight loss, paul mckenna, i can make you thin, think thin, slimming, hypnosis, fat

You wanna throw stuff at Twisted Sister...?

2007-02-25T17:23:00.000+01:00

They don't make 'em like this anymore.

Rooting through my boyfs record collection, I discovered this amazing track on the '76 Reading Rock Festival album.

It's Shoot 'em Down by Twisted Sister, which is obviously acer, but the best bit is right at the beginning where Dee Snider takes it upon himself to offer certain members of the crowd a few lessons in manners.

This has to be one of the coolest and funniest things I've heard in ages.

God, I wish rock festivals were still this rock.

Down on the ant farm

2007-02-22T18:16:00.000+01:00

My brother told me earlier that he has started up an ant farm.

At first I thought this seemed a bit odd because I can’t imagine there is much of a market for farmed ants. I mean, most people only need to see a couple of wild ants and they’re putting stuff down to kill them. But when I mentioned this to him he explained that it is not a farm for making ants, it is a farm run by ants. Oh how I laughed when I realised my mistake.

What an enterprising young chap he is. I should think once news of the ant farm gets out, employment this type of labour will catch on pretty quick. And why stop at farms? I think it’s about time we got ants to do jobs among our urban communities – ants would make superb police officers, for example, crims would never see those little fellas coming for them. With their dexterous mandibles I expect that ants would also make fantastic chefs, brick layers, and orchestra conductors.

My friends the skills crisis is at an end and the solution has been under our garden hoses all along.

The only possible drawback I can see to this plan is that people might start complaining that all our jobs are being taken by ants. I suppose they would have a point as well – how can you compete with someone who will work for a few grains of sugar?

But I don't think anyone really needs to worry about this. According to my brother, ants are a right bunch of lazy arses. He hasn’t seen the ants on his farm plant a single seed, or shear any sheep, or in fact do any farm work at all since he set it up. So they’ll probably just end up getting the sack and then sponging off the dole anyway.

Why the face, Amis?

2007-02-20T19:44:00.000+01:00

Honestly, if I see another photo of a bestselling author with a face like a wet weekend I think I'm going to, um, not like it very much...

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I can't understand why so many writers want to look all frowny and miz in photographs. I am also worried that it is giving us a rep for being a right bunch of grumps. For example, here we have three of Britian's best selling novelists looking distinctly as though they've just watched a kitten slowly die:

Smiley Smith

Beaming Banks

And, of course, Amiable Amis

What's with these people? Thousands of fans buy their books, making them incredibly rich, and these are the slapped-assed expressions they decide to present in return?

I mean, if someone buys me a £1 cup of tea I at least manage a smile.

Bunch of miseries.

Enough about me, what do you think of me?

2007-02-20T09:32:00.000+01:00

I had a lovely chat with Mr Joe Blog yesterday. And here are the results. Extra points if you can spot the AC/DC quote.

Back at it

2007-02-19T11:44:00.000+01:00

I don’t know about you, but I find that the thing about going on holiday is that, not only does time go about three times faster than normal, but within seconds of walking back through your own front door, the whole experience seems like a distant memory, perhaps from someone else’s previous life.

Mustn’t grumble though. I had a very spiffy time among lots of countryside and birds and sheep and trees and ambling streams and cows and not too many horses. Other highlights included Beer and cakes and seaside.

But my most cherished holiday memory is the evening when I scored 426 points at Scrabble. The boyf, with his paltry three-hundred-and-something, was beaten to a pulp. I could tell by his reverential silence during my rendition of We are the Champions that, as well as being victorious at Scrabble, I had won even more of his admiration and affection. I suspect he found the way I pointed to myself on the word ‘Champion’ and then at him on the world ‘Losers’ especially charming. Clearly, Valentine’s Day was extra special for him this year.

Anyway, enough of all this high-romance, it’s back to work for Buckley. My main regular commission is ending in a few weeks, so I’ve got to try and get some more work in. I haven’t pitched ideas to editors for a couple of years now and I’m a bit rusty and nervous about doing it again - especially as I’m going to try to move away from writing mainly for teenagers and do more grown-up stuff (like a proper grown-up writer). Got to keep myself in tea and toast though, so I’d better suck it up and get my thinking cap on.

Do you think anyone'd be interested in 'Wooing your man With Scrabble'?

Laters

2007-02-11T18:40:00.000+01:00

Thought I'd better let you know that I won’t be posting again until next week. I’m going away for a country break with the boyf, which should be lovely. I’ve heard that it is impossible for anyone who lives in a city to understand the ways of the country. So I am looking forward to a few days of total perplexion. I don’t mind that, I just hope there won’t be too many horses there. That really would be a tale of Whoa. (See what I did there?)

Seriously though, I’ve already mentioned my feelings about these animals and I do not wish to spend my holiday around them. I think it dates back to a rather traumatic experience I had when I tried having a go at horse riding when I was about 5. The daft thing just dashed round and round in circles, and kept leaping up and down so much that I barely managed to stay in the saddle. To make matters worse, a couple of other kids driving a London Bus were laughing and pointing at me. By the time the merry-go-round stopped I was nearly ready to hurl.

Ha ha ha. Am I funny today or what? No.

Sorry I haven’t been especially communicative on the comments lately, I’ve been in a bit of a rush trying to get everything done in for my holiday. I’m a bit cringed out about leaving yesterday’s odd-ball post sitting near the top the whole time I’m away, but I have a rule about not deleting stuff, so I’ll just have to blush it out.

Take care while I’m away won’t you?

Saturday splurge

2007-02-10T10:00:00.000+01:00

In my living room, a single small square card, picturing a penguin, still sits on top of the television set.

I can’t even remember who sent it now, probably someone from abroad - because I think what happened was that it arrived late and so missed the early January Crimbo card cull.

I notice it every time I sit on the settee and I think to myself that I must remember to take it down next time I get up. But then I get distracted by the X-Files or 24 and, what with all those aliens and spies and terrorists to worry about, I forget. And that plucky little Christmas card gives me the slip once again.

You’ve got to respect that kind of tenacity. Most Christmas cards have probably been pulped and recycled into toilet rolls by now. While we’re all wiping our bums on the other Crimbo cards, the one in my living room continues to stand proud...

God, that’s horrible isn’t it? That previous paragraph I mean. I just re-read it and it’s really quite disgusting. I anthropomorphised Christmas cards - made them seem like cute little festive friends - and then I went and said that me and you were using them to wipe our bums. I don’t know about you, but I’m not at all comfortable with the idea that I’ve been using my festive friends as toilet roll.

This is the problem with just splurging stuff out without thinking about what you’re writing. Sometimes you come up with something that you love, that you probably never would’ve produced if you’d thought too hard about it. Other times, like I am now, you come out with something that is just Wrong. And that you should never show to another living soul or you will surely be ejected from society.

But, y’know, I’m a blogger and we’re not known for our inhibitions. We put our thoughts out there and if someone connects with them then that’s gravy. If not we’ll stand alone. Like the last little Christmas card on top of my telly.

I don’t think I will bin her now. We’ve got too much in common. I have an idea that’s it not very nice to be treated like toilet roll and I just don’t think I could do that to her.

Lofty ambition

2007-02-09T15:27:00.001+01:00

Looking back over the post below, it just occured to me that another of my childhood ambitions was to have the job of putting those big billboard posters up. Not as glamorous as Hairdresser or Air Hostess, nor as sociable as Officer, I'll give you - but still a very exciting job, with something of a daredevil element to it.

I imagined it would be a bit like doing massive jigsaws all day, up a ladder. I remember also thinking that it would be funny. I'm not sure why I thought it would be funny, probably because of the propensity for prat-falls (which are a speciality of mine) and bucket of paste on head/foot moments.

A few weeks ago I met a train driver. He had actually gone out and landed his childhood dream job. How cool is that? Very cool. He worked on London Underground. He said he enjoyed it, mostly, except when people tried to jump in front of his train, which he said happened sometimes. That bit is probably something of a downer.

Anyway...

What was your childhood ambition?

Buckley on the phone

2007-02-09T09:28:00.000+01:00

“Helleu”

That, I’m afraid, is the sound I make when answering the phone.

I don’t do it on purpose. And I don’t affect a ridiculous posh voice at any other time. So why I do I find myself doing a bad impression of the queen on the phone? It's like some kind of involuntary tick.

It could be genetic. My mum has always had a phone voice and, I can ignore the sniggers of my friends no more, I have a phone voice too.

When I was a kid, after Air Hostess and Hairdresser, my third choice of what to be when I grew up was An Officer. This meant someone who worked in an office. I think it was because whenever I saw women working in an office on TV they spent the whole time talking on the phone. I loved talking on my toy phone. A job where you talk on the phone all day seemed highly appealing to me at the time.

In those days everyone on television had a posh voice. So, when I played at being An Officer, which meant scribbling over old forms for my mum’s catalogue and answering my toy telephone, I would put on a posh voice. Because that’s what Officers did.

Come to think it, I suppose that’s what I’m still doing now - pretending to be An Officer.

Gosh. I had no idea I was having so much fun. I must remember to enjoy it more.

*Biog flash*
There were a couple of expressions of surprise at the fact that I’m working on a project for the BBC in yesterday’s comments...

Much as I hate to destroy the illusion that I spend my days trying to picture all the planets in the universe, or something, if you’d like to see the kinds of things I do pop over to my Links or About Me page at my website. (Sorry, they are bit out of date. Must get around to updating them soon.)

Snowed down stats

2007-02-09T08:00:00.000+01:00

Did any other UK bloggers find their stats took a nose-dive yesterday?

I can just about accept that some schools needed to close because of the snow, but it's a bit of stretch to believe that people were snowed out of my blog.

Anyone got any ideas what could've been going on?

Psst...

2007-02-08T17:02:00.000+01:00

I'm working for the BBC on a day rate today, so can't sneak off for long. But I've been desperate to share something with you all day and can maintain my silence not a minute longer... You see, last night I made a very important discovery.

Do you like bubblegum? Of course you do. Here's a tip for getting bubblegum flavour-fix when you're out of supplies.

Brush your teeth and rinse with mouthwash, then eat a banana.

I did this last night and was amazed and delighted to find it created a distinctly bubblegumy taste in my mouth.

Mmm, chemically-fruity yum.